


Picking Up The Pieces

by desiredfiction



Category: Larry Stylinson - Fandom, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Reality, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Slash, Slash, smut later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 15:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 39,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/desiredfiction/pseuds/desiredfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thoughts. </p>
<p>Not just any thoughts though, no, the only thoughts occupying the mind of Louis Tomlinson were thoughts filled with images of green eyes, brown curly hair, porcelain skin, and a laugh so melodic that it takes your universe, shatters it and rearranges it into something more beautiful than it was before at the mere sound of it.</p>
<p>Thoughts, that kept Louis up at night while the person that was occupying them was becoming more distant and changing into someone that no one even knew anymore. </p>
<p>Too bad those thoughts were as unimportant as the next, because while Louis Tomlinson pined over his best friend, Harry was slowly slipping through his fingers, because thoughts don’t get your best friend back to who he was before, actions do. Actions that Louis Tomlinson couldn’t find within himself, until now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first fic ever written so please forgive it. Comment if you want me to continue it.

It’s loud. 

My brain, it just won’t seem to shut up. You’d think that with it being nearly 4 in the morning I would be able to catch some shut eye but apparently my brain has other plans for me.

I wish I could say I didn’t know why I was up right now, but I can’t. That would be lying to myself, looking over something that I’ve done for far too long now. Looking over what’s been right in front of me is what has gotten me into this mess in the first place. Maybe if I would have taken more notice to how often I had to eat dinner alone, or watch my favourite show without the warm body of the person I have become so close to in the past few years cuddled in to my side laughing along with me to the lame comments coming from telly, or maybe if I would have noticed the faint sound of a door being opened at ungodly hours in the morning I wouldn’t be lying here wide awake wondering for the umpteenth time this month why I am all alone in this massive flat and where my best friend is once again.

It was all very gradual, a missed dinner here, an “I’ll see you tomorrow” there but as time progressed it’s almost become the norm for Harry to sneak in at weird times of the night and to not even mutter a hello to me as he sets out for another few days leaving me shocked and not understanding what had happened, or how everything had all gone wrong. It has become a common occurrence to only see Harry at rehearsals or recording sessions, even then he is preoccupied by his cell phone, making it very clear to the lads and I that who ever is on the receiving end of the conversation is much more important than we are.

It’s been happening for almost a month and a half now, all of the disappearing acts, and the texting that got to be so much Harry might as well have not even been present at any of the events us boys were required to go to, or even when we were just sitting around the living room playing a game of FIFA. I don’t know what has happened, and it’s killing me slowly. I feel like I’m holding onto Harry by my fingertips and at the very likely chance any small thing goes wrong he is going to slip from my reach and I’ll never have him again. I can’t bare to think about what my life would be like without Harry, I am close to all of the boys, and I have my own friends but Harry and I just connected on a different level. It’s like we don’t even need for there to be words when we are trying to communicate, we just know. That’s what scares me the most, I knew everything about Harry, not because I begged for him to tell me but because we just clicked and it seemed like the only option for us was to know each other better than we know ourselves. One look was all it took for me to unravel the mysteries behind those green eyes, one look and I could tell what he was feeling and what he needed, but now I couldn’t get that even if I chanced a million glances into the depths of his eyes. It’s scary, to actually see the life being taken out of someone, to see someone that is so caring and kind and warm turn into someone closed off, secluded, and cold. It’s even scarier when they became your world, your centre of gravity, and now that they are leaving you, you have nowhere to keep grounded anymore. Nothing to hold onto.

With the thoughts of losing my partner in crime, cuddle buddy, best friend, and safe zone for the rest of my life I almost didn’t hear the sound of buzzing coming from my dresser. Slowly rolling over and grunting because my right arm had fallen asleep from the position I was in I picked up my phone and began typing back a response with a still half numb hand, and thoughts running wild.

**Eleanor (:**

**Hey Lou! I know it’s really early in the morning so I hope this doesn’t wake you! I just got home from a party and realised I have no plans for tomorrow, I reeeeeeally need to go shopping - wanna come?!**

**Louis**

_**Hey, love. No I’m up, you’d never believe who still hasn’t showed up.. Ugh I swear this will be the death of me. Anyways sounds good I could use a few things! As long as you don’t make me carry the bags again this time, we aren’t even dating for real so no need for me to be a gentleman ;)** _

**Eleanor (:**

**Again?!?!?!?! Is that boy ever home anymore? Oh Lou, I’m sorry I know how much this gets to you - I’m sure he’ll come around. And good good! About the bags though, good luck convincing Paul to carry them because I sure as hell won’t be bub ;) x**

**Louis**

_**Fine, I’ll buy him a muffin and pull my best puppy dog face. He won’t be able to say no. I don’t know El, I don’t know what’s going on with him. It’s scaring me though and I miss my best friend. He knows how much I love him so I don’t know why he would do this to me, it’s worrying me sick. Fuck, I hear something from downstairs. Text me the details in the morning and if I don’t respond I have been murdered. Bye, love. x** _

I wasn’t lying when I said that I had heard something from downstairs so as I crept out of my bed and shuffled against my carpet I grabbed for the closest object near me, which just so happened to be Harry’s guitar, and made my way out into the hallway. None of the lights were on but I could hear someone muttering a  _“Shit”_  under their breathe as they hit what I imagine to be a body part off of something rather hard. Now at the bottom of the stairs, guitar in my right hand and my left hand being used to hold the railing on the stairs, I held on for dear life as I peered around the corner to see what would be my cause of death. Just as I could almost see my murderer the lights flicked on causing me to jump and tumble ungracefully out of my stake out position and fall hard on the tile floor, next to the guitar which made a racket as it hit the floor hard next to my body.

“SHIT! Louis?! Is that you?” Oh just Harry, no worries. Wait. 

“Harry! What are you doing I thought you were some serial killer and I was coming to meet my doom!” I breathed out a sigh of relief after knowing it was Har- “Why are you coming home at 4 in the bloody morning, you had me worried sick!”

“Hmph.” was the only response I received from the younger lad as he moved to get passed me. When he tried to push through the doorway that my smaller frame was blocking all I could smell on him was alcohol and sweat. Becoming more enraged I grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him once before holding him stationary in front of me.

“Harry Styles, where have you been for the past two days? I have been worried sick, you even have the boys in a panic, thank heavens Liam stepped in before Niall had a full blown panic attack! OH, and don’t even get me started on management! I have had to cover for you twice in the past week because you haven’t shown up to rehearsals!” I still had my hands gripping fully onto Harry’s shoulders when he pried me off, shoved me into the door frame and stormed pass with nothing more than a, “Fuck management, this is all bullshit and I’m sick of it!”

Shocked at the violence and his tone of voice I stumbled a few steps before sitting on the cold kitchen floor. I put my face in my hands and rubbed my eyes, where had it all gone wrong? Why is Harry lashing out now, and most importantly where was my best friend? The one that told me everything and brought me tea in the morning just to lay down beside me and talk about anything and everything to pass what little time of relaxation we had. 

This has been going on too long now, and I can’t watch him ruin his life single-handedly, he’s going off the deep end, and I need him but right now he needs me, whether he will tell me that or not. With new found determination I peeled myself off of the kitchen floor and nearly jogged through the living room and up the stairs. Knocking on Harry’s bedroom door proved useless as it turns out the silence coming from the other side didn’t mean he was avoiding me but that he wasn’t in there at all. 

I walked down the hall to the bathroom door and knocked the same way I had on his bedroom door but this time adding a, “Harry, I know you are in there! We need to talk. NOW!” 

Silence. 

Great, now he actually is ignoring me. I jiggled the door knob to find it unlocked, stepping into the dim lit bathroom I was faced with nothi- wait. Is that… whimpering? I stepped further into the bathroom to see Harry curled up between where the toilet and shower is, slumped against the wall. His curls were no longer curly but just slightly wavy matted to his face by a film of sweat and what could be tears because by the looks of it he has been rubbing vigorously at his eyes with fisted hands. I noticed that he had his legs pulled tight to his chest as he cried, the whimpers being muffled by his hands now over his mouth as he tried to contain his sobs.

Quietly stepping forward I felt like even the smallest of sounds would shatter him completely in this very moment. A quick glance at him again showed me that I could make all the noise I wanted because this boy, this usually smiling and energetic boy was already shattered, I may be too late and my best friend is sitting torn in front of me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts. 
> 
> Not just any thoughts though, no, the only thoughts occupying the mind of Louis Tomlinson were thoughts filled with images of green eyes, brown curly hair, porcelain skin, and a laugh so melodic that it takes your universe, shatters it and rearranges it into something more beautiful than it was before at the mere sound of it.
> 
> Thoughts, that kept Louis up at night while the person that was occupying them was becoming more distant and changing into someone that no one even knew anymore. 
> 
> Too bad those thoughts were as unimportant as the next, because while Louis Tomlinson pined over his best friend, Harry was slowly slipping through his fingers, because thoughts don’t get your best friend back to who he was before, actions do. Actions that Louis Tomlinson couldn’t find within himself, until now.

Making my way over to Harry I could barely make out the words, “I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want it, I don’t like being like this, it hurts” he was repeating these words to himself over and over again while rocking back in forth in a way that almost wasn’t even noticeable the movements were so small. I lowered myself into a squatting position and rested my elbows on my knees so that I was beside Harry, me facing his side while his front faced the toilet. 

Very carefully I touched his shoulder with just the tips of my fingers, gently grazing over the material of his shirt. When I received no sign that would tell me he had noticed my presence I gripped his shoulder firmly with my right hand. 

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” Harry flung himself back so that he was in a standing position leaning against the wall that separates the shower from the rest of the bathroom. Harry started shuddering and whimpering so hard that he was nearly convulsing. I stood up then, partly because I was startled by his reaction and partly because when he had reacted to me touching him he had flung my smaller frame across the room, if it was on purpose I don’t know.

I used my hands to push myself off of my knees and stood up fully. 

“Harry, Ha-Harry?” He continued to shake even more before his knees gave in completely and he fell forward.  Luck was on his side and I was able to lunge forward in time to catch him. His lanky body engulfed mine as I caught him so that his arms were linked securely behind my back. I pulled him into a standing position in front of me instead of the way he had awkwardly been leaning on me because of how he’d fallen.

“I-I’m so-orry Louis” He sniffled and went to wipe at his running nose with the material of his long-sleeved v-neck shirt. What’s he apologizing for? “Harry, shhh babe, come on. What’s going on.” Just as he was calming down I thought he was going to tell me what all of these tears were about. He looked at me briefly and for a split second when he glanced into my eyes I saw an emotion there for the first time in a month and a half. It wasn’t happiness, it wasn’t the spark of life he usually showed in his eyes but it was an emotion, and all I could see in that very moment was hurt, and pain. 

Even though all I could see in his eyes was pain, it was still an emotion, and I’ll take it because maybe that means that there is a chance of me getting my Harry back, maybe he isn’t as cold as he makes himself seem. Maybe he has decided to let me in instead of push me out like he has been. In that brief moment when I glanced into his deep green eyes that had only gotten darker with his crying I was given hope, even if all I had to work with was pain. It was an emotion and it was a start.

Harry took a sharp intake of breath that got stuck in his throat, right when I thought he was going to explain everything to me, the late nights, the days away, the emotionless way he was living, he did something that took me completely by surprise. He stepped forward one small step in my direction and then with slight hesitation through his whole body at me and hung on to me for dear life. He buried the top of his head between my neck and ear by arching his back and hunching over slightly so that he could curl in to me even with the height difference. I noticed my collarbone getting wet where the tears had fallen from his face and began to pool there. 

“Shhh, hun what’s wrong, tell me what’s up, I want to help you. Shhh come on babe don’t cry.” I cooed into his curls, my words being drowned out by his muffled sobs. He began shuttering more and then pulled me to the floor as he toppled over. I landed about a foot away from Harry which apparently was not okay because he quickly made to crawl over to me and lie against my chest. He was fisting my shirt with both of his large hands, grabbing and releasing the material as if he wanted to be able to grasp onto more of me but he didn’t know how too. I tilted my head down and rested my chin on the top of his head. I went to hold on to him but he flinched away before I got the chance. Questioning why he had just reacted like that I looked at where he was now seated a few inches in front of me, no longer touching me. 

“Harry, hun. I just want to help you , okay? What do you need?” I asked quietly subtly leaning closer to him because the distance between us while he was in such a right state was eating me away. I just want to put my arms around him and hold him their for the rest of our lives. I want to be able to keep him safe from the outside world. “Y-you touched me.” He looked down at where his hands were in his lap, playing around with his fingers as to avoid eye contact between the two of us. “Um, Harry I don’t know if you’ve noticed darling, but we are always hugging and touching. What’s changed?” I moved forward again and went to put my hand on his knee but he was faster and sprung to his feet in an almost impossibly fast speed. “DON’T TOUCH ME!” he basically screamed, I sat scared, yes, I was scared. “DO NOT TOUCH ME LOUIS! You don’t get to suddenly come back into my life and comfort me!” he was pacing across the bathroom floor pulling at his curls. His steps faltered and then he stopped pacing all together and turned to look at me. Feeling like he had a lot more to say I stood up and took a step away from where he was until my back hit the wall behind me. “You don’t get to leave me, when I n-needed you and then when I b-break down help m-me like nothing ever hap-ha-happened!” Okay, now I’m confused. What is he going on about? Hiccupping more because of the previous fit he had had he continued, “I needed you, Hell I STILL need you Louis! But I don’t want to need you, yeah you are my best friend, but you can leave. You can make new friends and you can leave me, you HAVE left me and I hate that! I hate YOU!”  with that he crumbled to the floor again this time right in front of where my feet where. He was on his knees with his head down and face in his hands. 

I sat on the floor and shifted across the cold tile so that there was almost no space between us but also so that I wasn’t touching him. “Harry,” I said firmly, “Harry, I’m going to hug you okay?” he let out a small whimper of disapproval and shook his head back and forth, the wavy mess on top of his head moving with every shake. I tried again, “Harry, I’m going to move forward and hug you, and you aren’t going to move, you aren’t going to back away, you are going to let me hold you.” I received no response and took that as him silently giving me permission, I could see by the way he was only shaking slightly now and not moving around that he was giving in to me. I got up on my knees and shuffled forward so that my body was now hovering over his closed off frame. Hesitantly, I wrapped one arm around his back and pulled him into my chest ever so slightly. He didn’t flinch, actually he didn’t respond to my touch at all. Taking that as a good sign I wrapped my other arm around him and pulled him flush into my chest, whispering words of encouragement into his hair to try to soothe him. It seemed to be working, because moving at a pace that could rival snails he began returning the gesture and cautiously started to wrap his arms around me. 

“Haz, look at me.” I took my right hand from behind his back and moved to lift his chin with my index finger while still keeping my grasp on him tight with my left arm. I pulled his face towards mine and looked him straight in the eyes. In that very moment my heart broke a million times over, he looked so lost, and desperate. He looked as though he was a child that had just lost their parents in a department store and was so scared and hopeless thinking they would never find their way back to the people they love. It broke my heart. I don’t know what made him like this, or who made him like this but I vouched to myself that I would be the one to put that breathtaking smile back on his face, one that wasn’t limited to smiling with his mouth, but one that reached his eyes and would be felt in his heart. Most importantly though, I vouched to fix all of this, if it was my fault or not, I knew I would fix this by making sure he knew how loved he is.

“How much have you been drinking, babe?” he dropped his head into my shoulder out of what I assumed was shame and took a deep breath before moving to look me in the eyes again. He answered me so quietly I wouldn’t have caught it if I wasn’t paying full attention or looking at his lips as he spoke, “I haven’t stopped since Tuesday morning.” Shit. It’s Thursday, he’s been continuously drinking since he left here in a Tuesday morning? “Okay, I mean I’m not happy about that but we can discuss that later. Do you drink every time you leave me for days at a time or even nights?” he looked down at my chest and nodded weakly. With a sigh I put my right hand that had been resting in his curls on his back again and shoved my face into his chest holding onto him as if he was going to disappear from my life forever if I even thought about loosening my grip on him. The scariest part is, after tonight, after he leaves the door of our flat again there is no guarantee I will hold him again, because right now everything with him is so unsure. Nothing has been stable, or set in stone in months and that is the most terrifying feeling. The feeling that my world could be taken from under me and I would have no way of getting it back. I need to make sure that this doesn’t happen, and if that means taking this slowly, if that means having to learn who my best friend is all over again I will do it.

I shifted both of our weights as I got onto my feet in a crouched position, still holding on to my Harry. Whatever happened to him, whatever I did needs to be dealt with, but first things first, he stinks and his blood is still drowning in alcohol. “Let’s stand up and get you showered, yeah?” He made no noise of approval or recognition that I had even said anything other than standing up with me, and that was approval enough. “Alright, love. I’m going to go now, you get showered and we will go from there.”

I went to untangle myself from where Harry and I still stood entwined but was greeted with a whimper as I tried to pull away.  Harry held on to me tighter and nuzzled his face into my neck weakly whipsering huskily into my ear, “don’t leave me Lou, I don’t want to be alone. I’m always so alone.” If possible my heart broke even more at those words, I don’t know what made him this way but if it is really my doing then I hate myself for it. I don’t know how anyone could be so broken, and worse, I don’t know how it could have been just me to brake him this much. There must be something else, but I don’t think he’ll be telling me any time soon so that will have to wait. I felt a sharp pang in my heart when he nuzzled into my neck trying to get impossibly closer to me. He let out a breathe he had been holding when I didn’t move after what he had said. The warm air on my skin sent chills down my spine. Odd, I must be really tired if my body is reacting like that. With the thought of being exhausted, it nearly being 5 am and Harry still drunk and dirty in my arms I built up what little will power I had and pushed myself away from Harry and walked over to the shower, turning the tap on to let the water warm up. 

Harry stood in the middle of the bathroom with his head down while playing with his hands. I sighed at the site of it all and moved to help him get ready for his shower since he had made it very clear that apparently an 18 year old boy can’t do such a thing on his own. Not that I mind, as long as it helps Harry I would do anything. I approached him fairly quick compared to how I had been moving around him with such caution previously. “Hey Haz, you need to get undressed so you can shower. I’m not letting you stay in those clothes smelling like that. Once you are showered we can do whatever you want okay?” he looked like he was having an internal battle before shaking his head and cheekily saying, “anything I want?”, I had to laugh at that, even in such an intense situation he still managed to be his cheeky flirty self. I nodded in response and said “Yes anything, now get undressed and clean up. I’m going to go get you some clothes and make some tea. Is that alright?” He nodded quickly so I took that as a good sign and went to walk out of the bathroom. Just as I was about to walk into the hall Harry called me, “Lou, you promise not to leave when I’m in the shower right?” his voice was small and he was looking down again twiddling his thumbs. If I wasn’t so sure I’d think he was bipolar, I finally thought he had calmed down. “Haz,” I stepped forward and grabbed his face in my hands making him look at me so that I didn’t have to strain on my tip toes to look into his eyes. “I promise, that I will never leave you. It’s me and you. Haz and Lou, forever and always okay? Nothing can change that, not even you trying to push me away.” I spoke nothing but the truth as I stared into the green depths of his eyes, he grabbed onto my waist and looked at me with equal intensity. “What about Eleanor?” he questioned, his voice sounded so sad and desperate. “What  _about_  Eleanor?” I questioned back, now at a loss of words, because what does Eleanor have to do with any of this? “well, what if you leave me for her..” his sentence started off strong but was trailing off towards the end. “Harry, come on babes. You know that we aren’t dating. Management just put her with me because the world seemed to think I was gay and that you and I were together. I mean they weren’t far off with the gay thing since I am bisexual, but it’s all very silly I mean YOU of all people is not gay so I don’t know why anyone would assume that we are in a relationship. Either way, you know El and I are just close friends, it just sort of happened when we were forced to do everything together.” Harry huffed a massive sigh and removed his hands from my waist, leaving my skin instantly cold where his hands just were. He placed his hands on top of my own that were still holding his face before speaking again. “God Lou, I know that the relationship isn’t real, but what if one day you wake up and you realise that she is more fun than me, or that she is more caring and a better friend than I am? What will happen then Louis, what will I do? You may not need me but I need you and it isn’t fair! I hate you for making me this way, I hate you for making me into someone that relies on someone else so much and can’t even keep a hold on their own life because you make me who I am and the second you leave me to be with her I am always so lost and it just hurts, it hurts so much and I hate you!” at this point he was sobbing hysterically “and what if.. What if y-you fall in love with her, and leave me for good?“ I could feel his tears on my hands as they flowed effortlessly from his eyes. I could feel my own eyes beginning to swell, tears starting to fill them. Is this really how he felt? He thought that I would leave him and forget all about him? That’s crazy! He’s my everything. I wish I could make him realize that!  _“tell him this out loud, stupid”_  a voice in my head whispered. Breathing in deeply through my nose I looked at him with a look that I could only hope would express how much he means to me.  “Harry, you are my everything. I can’t imagine what my life would be without you. I don’t remember a time that we weren’t best friends. I don’t remember a time when your smile couldn’t make a shitty day brighter.  You Harry, you alone are my world and no one can take that away. No one can replace your hugs, no one can replace the way you look at the ground and smile when someone compliments you and you don’t know how to take it. No one can replace our cuddles, or the way it feels to have you be a part of my life in such a massive way. Without you I’m not me. I can’t be because you complete who I am. You even me out, you calm me down when I’m too hyper, you pick me up when I’m down. I don’t know if the only thing that happened here is that you felt like I was leaving you, but if there is more, I will always, always be here. You can count on that, I don’t know if I know how to live with out you anymore and this past month and a half have been hell for me.” tears were now freely flowing down my face, I even shocked myself with how true my words were. I moved my hands from under his and wrapped them around his waist while simultaneously resting my head on his chest. I could hear the steady rhythm of his heart beat in my ear as I whispered into his chest, “You are my everything, you always will be and I love you so much. I always will.” For a second I questioned what I had just said, I always tell him I love him, it’s just how we are. So why did it feel so different coming out of my lips that time? Brushing off the way saying those three words made me feel I sniffled and chuckled lightly into his chest and looked back up at him while my arms were still wrapped firmly around his waist. Some time during my episode he had placed his arms around my neck so that when I looked up at him our faces were much closer than they had been before. I felt my breathe hitch at the proximity of our bodies and quickly stepped back just enough to give us some space but not so far as to release our grips on each other. Once again I let out a little chuckle, “Look at what you’ve done to me Haz! You’ve turned me into a sentimental twat and now I’m leaking! Alright, now it really is time you showered, have fun too because that water has been running so long I’m sure it is ice by now.” He gave me a small smile that barely reached his eyes, but his eyes were filled with another emotion that I couldn’t quite figure out. I chuckled and sniffed again, then wiped my tears on my pyjama shirt and turned to leave the bathroom for the second time since I had been with Harry in here this morning. This time Harry didn’t stop me from leaving and unwound his arms from my neck. I turned to leave the bathroom and just as I was going to shut the door I swear I could hear Harry saying, “you’ll always be my everything too.”

*******

I was in the kitchen making Harry and myself some tea when I heard it. A massive thud came from upstairs, meaning only one thing. Harry must have fallen. 

I ran out of the kitchen and up the stairs at the speed of light. When I got to the bathroom I knocked on the door but got no response. Having an odd sense of déjà vu I realised the only way I was going to be able to make sure Harry was alright was if I went into the bathroom myself. I walked in to the bathroom and heard crying, but this time it was coming from the shower. Yup, definitely having déjà vu. 

“Harry are you okay? I heard you fall.” I heard him scrambling around before he responded “Lou, I’m fine just leave me alone.” By the tone of his voice I could tell he was definitely not okay. I walked over to the shower to check him out for myself. It’s not like I haven’t seen Harry naked before so why would it matter now?  _“Because everything feels different when you're with him now”_  said a little voice inside of my head, ignoring my thoughts I walked over to the shower where Harry was. What I was met with was something I never would have expected.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :Thoughts. 
> 
> Not just any thoughts though, no, the only thoughts occupying the mind of Louis Tomlinson were thoughts filled with images of green eyes, brown curly hair, porcelain skin, and a laugh so melodic that it takes your universe, shatters it and rearranges it into something more beautiful than it was before at the mere sound of it.
> 
> Thoughts, that kept Louis up at night while the person that was occupying them was becoming more distant and changing into someone that no one even knew anymore. 
> 
> Too bad those thoughts were as unimportant as the next, because while Louis Tomlinson pined over his best friend, Harry was slowly slipping through his fingers, because thoughts don’t get your best friend back to who he was before, actions do. Actions that Louis Tomlinson couldn’t find within himself, until now.

_Bruises_. Bruises everywhere, not just bruises though. Apparently my heart hadn’t broken enough this morning because as I moved forward and pulled open the glass door of the shower I didn’t just see bruises I also saw cuts and scratches, some were in the shape of half moons which I could only assume were from someone’s nails. 

Harry was curled up in the corner of the shower, hair hanging in his face and matted to the back of his neck. His back was facing me and was glistening due to the water that was still streaming from the shower head down on to his battered skin. I gasped at the sit. Here is my best friend (we are still best friends right?) sitting in a shower after having fallen, with bruises and cuts littered all over his usual smooth porcelain skin.  So many questions were running through my mind, how had this happened, who did this to him, did he do it to himself? (No Louis don’t be stupid of course he didn’t do it to himself). But then, who did, why, and most importantly where can I find them so I can make them suffering for doing this to MY Hazza?! Okay, deep breathes Louis, you panicking is not going to help Harry. I took a one more breathe to calm myself, hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. Whatever that may be. I leaned forward and turned of the shower that was now running cold onto Harry’s soaked body. He must be freezing! 

“L-Lou?” he whispered from where he was sitting turned away from me. I rushed forward and dropped to my knees on the wet shower floor not caring that my pyjamas were getting wet or that Harry was completely naked and dripping ice cold water. “Shh, Haz come ‘ere babe.” I leaned forward and pulled Harry into my arms so that he was sitting completely on top of me, curled into a ball while I held onto him. We were sitting in such a way that my back was against the wall, legs stretched out with Harry’s bottom sitting on my lap and his feet rested on the floor while in his sideways position. He had his arms wrapped around his legs and head buried in his knees while leaning slightly into my chest. “Louis, I told you to leave me alone. M’fine” He sounded pleading and desperate like maybe I would leave him alone while he was in this state, as if.

“Harry, I’m not leaving. What happened, why is your body all bruised up?” in that moment Harry bolted from my lap and tried to cover as much of his body as he could with only his arms. He ran out of the shower and into the bathroom grabbing a towel to cover himself. “Go away! Just let me get dressed okay?! Leave me alone, I said I’m fine and I am, just leave it!” his words were coming out in a panic. I stood from where I was sitting in the shower, my pants now soaked through. I approached Harry but for every step I took forward he took one back until his body hit the wall. At the contact he winced (what was up with that?) and fell to the ground, as his butt hit the ground he began to sob uncontrollably and rolled over screaming, “FUCK IT HURTS! IT HURTS SO GOD DAMN MUCH” I ran to him tripping over my feet in the process, deciding standing up and walking the rest of the way would be useless I crawled on all fours over to a screaming Harry.

“Harry what hurts?! Do you need to go to the hospital?” he didn’t answer me but just curled up on his side crying harder, cries that were clearly coming from pain this time and not just being upset. He continued to cry and moan making me go nearly hysterical. What is wrong with him?! “HARRY WHAT IS WRONG?!” I was screaming now, why won’t he answer me?! I moved forward panicking and pulled Harry by the shoulders and tried shaking him. “GO AWAY, DON’T TOUCH ME!” he screamed in my face, I jumped at the shrillness of his voice but found it in me to be strong enough to respond, because yeah that hurt.. A lot. “Harry! What are you talking about, why are you screaming, what is wrong, and why the actual fuck can’t I touch you anymore?!” that seemed to grab his attention and he looked at me with eyes that were full of emotion. He stopped dead in his tracks, sniffling from how much he had been crying. Other than that he was completely silent though. The bathroom adopted an almost eerie feeling after it had just been so loud. All that could be heard was the sound of our heavy breathing. “Ha-”

“They touch me.” I was cut off by Harry’s response. He looked at me for a quick second and must not have gotten the reaction he expected because he huffed and then moved to cover himself even more with the towel. I was speechless, how was I supposed to react to that? What did it even mean? “What do you mean THEY touch you, who are they and what do they have to do with me touching you at all?” I stood up and walked over to the counter to grab a flannel and dampen it. The cuts on Harry’s skin were still fresh and the shower had caused a few to start bleeding again so I decided I would clean him up while we talked about all of this. “THEY don’t matter Louis, just leave it okay. I just don’t like when people touch me, end of story.” 

I stopped what I was doing from the sink and turned around, “you.. Harry Styles don’t like when people touch you? That’s the biggest load of bullshit I have heard in my life. You basically purr when someone so much as grazes your arm.” 

“yea, well I don’t like to be touched anymore Louis, just leave it alone. I don’t need you coddling me either, now if you would just turn away so I could get dressed that would be great. Then we can drink that tea you made which is guaranteed to taste like watered down crap, go to bed, and forget tonight happened.” he snapped at me, he never snaps at me. “U-uum, fine, yea okay I-I’m sorry” I cursed myself for letting my emotions betray me. If he doesn’t want me then I won’t want him. Too bad life isn’t that easy. I turned my back towards him and faced the mirror, I could see his reflection in the mirror as he was beginning to stand. “Lou. Close your eyes for Christ’s sake.” I did as he said and looked down at the counter in front of me before closing my eyes.

I could here him changing into the clothes that I had managed to remember bringing up here with me when I rushed to see what was wrong. Thinking it had been long enough I opened my eyes and looked up into the mirror. I gasped in absolute horror at what I was faced with. Right in front of my eyes was Harry just pulling his white v-neck over his head, although that in itself is quite the site to see what had me choking on air was the two massive bruises right above his hips, resembling those of hands as if he had been pinned down with enough force to leave marks.

“OMG! Harry! Who did that to you?!” he scurried to pull his shirt on the rest of the way but I wouldn’t have it, I turned around so I was facing him, moving forward I lifted my hands so that I would be able to pull his shirt up by the bottom. He saw what my intentions were and slapped my hands away.. Hard. “OW HARRY! WTF?! Why do you have hand prints on your hips,  and scratches all over your body? You cant even move with out screaming out in pain!” 

“I DON’T WANT TO BE GAY OKAY!? ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!” he wait- he .. Gay, harry, don’t want.. What? “umm.. Harry, man, you’re straight, and if you aren’t then what do the injuries have to do with anything?” he took a deep breathe and turned away from me while tugging at his still wet hair, “because Louis, I am gay and maybe if I get some randoms to .. “ he trailed off and wouldn’t continue with what he had been saying. What does he mean get random people, what does he have them do? I trotted forward and wrapped my arms around Harry’s waist from behind and pulled him in close to my chest in attempt to comfort him. Resting my head between his shoulder blades I whispered “babe, you get random people to do what? Are they the ones that hurt you?” I felt him let out a shaky sigh from beneath my hands that were now placed on his chest where his heart was pounding a million miles a minute. “You won’t get it Louis.” 

“Get what? What aren’t you telling me?” my tone was starting to get desperate, I need him to tell me. I need him to be okay. I need my Hazza back. “You won’t understand and you are going to hate me. You are already leaving me and you don’t even know.”  I nuzzled into his back and then sighed before turning him around and pulling him into me so that we were chest to chest. I put my head into the crook of his neck and then lifted my mouth just enough so it was grazing his ear and whispered to him, “then make me understand Haz” I could feel a tear drop fall onto the back of my neck where Harry’s face was and those were undoubtedly tears being shed by him.

“Fine, but y-you promise you won’t hate me?” he was trying to get his words out in a coherent sentence but was failing slightly as his lips began to tremble. 

“Awww, shh, love. I could never hate you. You’re my best friend. I’ll stick by you no matter what.” I heard a small chuckle come from him and felt the rises in his chest as he moved against mine. I could also barely hear him whisper “yea, best friend.” which was masked under his light chuckle that sounded more like it was out of sadness than humour. 

He took a deep breath and then moved out of my arms so he could see my face. “I-I’m gay Louis and I know I’ve just said that but I need you to understand. I need you to understand that I don’t want to be this way. I want to be normal.” umm, ouch. Okay I’m bisexual, does that mean Harry doesn’t think I’m normal? 

“okay, I’m not getting this totally. I’m bisexual, are you not okay with that.. Like you’ve never said anything-” 

“NO! You don’t get it! I knew you wouldn’t! At least you are HALF normal, at least you have the choice to be normal if you want to be! But I’m gay, GAAAAAAY! That means I only like boys. THAT is not normal Louis, and if getting rid of the gay means I have to have

random guys have their way with me until I hate it so much that the straight is scared back into me than so be it!” 

“Have the straight scared back into you I don’t get i-” just as I was about to tell Harry I didn’t get what he meant by what he had said he went to sit down on the counter top and in doing so winced at a pain that seemed to be coming from his back. That’s when it all clicked. The bruises, the scratches, the sore back, the reason he wouldn’t let me touch him. Everything fell into place like a puzzle piece and the realization of the whole situation almost made me physically ill.

“oh no, no no no no no, please tell me you don’t mean what I think you do..”

“If what your thinking is that I let an astronomical amount of guys fuck me so hard I cry because I’m in such excruciating pain in hopes of it making me hate sex so much I will be scared into being straight again, then yes that is exactly what I mean by all of this.”

I almost couldn’t bring myself to ask more but I needed to know. With tears starting to fill my eyes I shyly managed to squeak out, “and the drinking? What about that?” he looked down at his feet that were swinging back and forth while he sat perched on the bathroom counter. 

“It helps numb the pain a little bit, helps me to forget that I’m such a disgusting human being. That I’m not worthy of anything.”

“Harry, that is not true. You are worth so much, I love you so much why woul-”

“It worked you know..” he said in a small voice, still not looking at me.

“What worked, what do you mean?”

“I mean, that tonight before I got home, before you ruined everything and had to actually act like you care, it finally worked. I finally found someone that made sex such hell for me that I will never want to have it again. I may not be straight, I don’t think that’s something I can change, but I can change how I feel about sex, and I have. It worked, I will no longer be gay because of tonight. I hate it, I officially hate when people touch me now, but that’s okay. You know why louis?” he had looked up at me about half way through his rant. 

I stood there with a look of both shock and horror on my face. He was looking at me pleadingly to answer him, what was I supposed to say.. “Why, why do you think that is okay? Do you even hear what you are saying, do you even know what you did?! I’m not sure you do anymore! Why would you hurt yourself.. You know I care about you! Your mother, oh my God what is your mother going to say, or Gemma o-or the boys, holy crap Harry why do you think this is okay!? I could have helped you! WHY DIDN’T YOU TALK TO ME?!” 

I slid my back down the nearest wall and started crying into my knees that were pulled into my chest. I love him so much, he’s always been there for me. What had I done to make him think he couldn’t come to me about something like this? I heard footsteps approaching me and looked up to see Harry hovering a few inches away from my face. “Louis, it’s okay. You didn’t do anything.. Well not really. Nothing you could have fixed anyways, just don’t worry. It’s all okay now. I don’t want to be with guys and that’s all that matters. I can be normal, for everyone.”

“what about yourself Harry, what are you going to do? Jeez, you didn’t even tell me that you were having feelings for men. You just went out and did this to yourself. You hurt yourself Haz! What are you going to do when you fall for a guy? Just because you don’t want to be physical with someone of the same gender anymore doesn’t mean you won’t fall in love with one! Dammit why couldn’t you let me help you?! I would do anything for you!”

“Lou. Shh, I know but this was something I had to do by myself. I told you now, that’s good enough. We can just move on and pretend this never happened.”

“I refuse to pretend this never happened! It did and it scares the shit out of me, what happens if you fall for someone, what are you going to do? Are you going to go to a random bar get wasted and have another guy that is no good for you fuck you until you cry? What happens if it gets worse, what if you really get injured, or you lend up in the hospital!? I can’t live without you! I know this sounds selfish but Harry, sometimes it feels like you’re all I have,  I need you, I need you desperately and I need you to be my best friend. The one you used to be!”

“I know, I know. I will be, if that’s the sort of thing I have to do to make everything normal then-”

“UGHHH! You just don’t get it Harry!” I stood up and stormed out of the bathroom. God why can’t he just see that I want him to accept himself for who he is!?

 I felt a hand on my back and whipped around to quickly smack it out of the way.  The thought of Harry trying to calm ME down right now made my blood boil even more.

“Don’t. You shouldn’t even be trying to calm me down right now, you said I wouldn’t understand and you want to know what? I DON’T! I want you to accept yourself and love yourself for who you are! You are such an amazing person, you have the ability to pick up anyone when they are down, you are selfless and it makes you such a great person. Being gay won’t make you any less of a wonderful person Hazza, please. Let me help you, I want to help you.” I was begging now, how could I not? He needs to see how I feel about this. How everyone would feel about this.

“Louis, what’s done is done. I don’t need someone else to make me happy. I can be single, I can go to clubs and pick up random girls. I can be normal. I want to be normal just… let me.” 

I knew fighting with him about this right now wasn’t going to get us anywhere on the topic. We are both stubborn and he is still partially drunk which is not helping in the matter. I let my shoulders slump slightly and moved forward to cup his cheek with my right hand.

“I get where you are coming from right now, but I’m making you a promise right now. I will do everything in my power to show you how much you are loved. I will do anything, I swear on it, but you need to promise to let me help you.”

I could see in his eyes that he didn’t want to argue anymore either. I stroked his cheek with my thumb to urge him to say something. 

“Can we just.. Be normal right now? Please?” it wasn’t a yes or a no to me helping him, but I would take it. Maybe there is hope here. Harry Styles is broken, he broke himself and I will make it my mission to pick up the pieces. I will make it my mission to be there for him.

“Yea, okay. Let’s just go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day alright?” 

He placed his larger hand over my smaller one which was still rubbing circles on his cheek and linked our fingers before moving them so they were hanging between us. Something stirred in my stomach, hmm I must be really tired. Makes sense it is technically morning and I haven’t slept yet. I looked down at our entwined hands and then trailed my gaze up his arm over his collarbone, up his neck and to where his face was. I saw that he too was looking down at our entwined hands. His face was contorted, eyebrows furrowed creating the cutest line. He looked like a lost puppy. Wait.. I didn’t just think that. Nope definitely not. I’m actually hallucinating now. I need to get to bed.

“Ok, I’m really tired so I’m heading to bed. This isn’t over but we’ll work through it together. Goodnight Hazzabear.” I tried to step past Harry’s larger frame to go to my bedroom, our fingers were still entwined but about to break apart when I felt him tug on my hand slightly. I turned around to see him looking at the ground pondering something. “Harry, what is it? I really need to sleep.” he looked up and stuttered a bit as he tried to find the right words,

 “C-can I erm.. Could I like maybe, sleep with you tonight. I just uh, I don’t want to be alone and I would sleep in my own bed but like I-”

“Shut up. Yes you can sleep with me, just never try to find excuses on the spot again. You really suck at lying hun.”

He dropped our hands, “Oh, okay erm thanks.. I guess” seeing that he wasn’t making a move anytime soon I picked his hand up again and dragged him to my room. I pushed him onto what was his side of the bed whenever he stays in here. Too lazy to actually walk all the way back around the bed I crawled on my knees across the bed from where I was standing and got under the covers, but first I took off my damp pyjama bottoms that were still wet from the shower. I turned onto my side and shut off the bedside lamp. 

“Go to sleep haz, I’ll see you in the morning.” I heard him moving around most likely to take off his shirt and sweat pants before he stopped and looked back over to me. I could literally feel his eyes burning into the back of my head. I rolled over to see him looking at me with a pained face.

“what is it?” I questioned, I thought all of this was over for tonight. He shifted awkwardly and went to lay down. “It’s nothing really, I umm I’ll just sleep in my sweats tonight it’s a bit drifty and I wouldn’t want to catch a cold so, yea.. Sweats. Good thing.” I could tell he was lying about what he was saying by the tone of his voice and how he was actually talking quicker than he normally does. 

“Babes, is this about your bruises?” he didn’t answer but just shifted a bit more from where he was laying. I took that as answer enough. “I’ve already seen them. Really, I don’t mind if you take your clothes off, I know you can’t sleep with them on. Like I said, we’ll work through this together, a part of that is me accepting what is done, and if those bruises and scratches are a part of what has happened I will accept it, okay?” he sighed and turned over so that he was now facing me and let out a shaky breathe.

“Umm okay, yea. Thanks Louis. You really are the best. I don’t deserve you.” I gazed into his eyes which were now shining in the low lit room. The sun was starting to rise and it was peering in through the curtains illuminating his pale skin and glowing eyes. He really look beautiful. I must have been staring a bit too long because I heard Harry shuffle a bit, probably because I had made him uncomfortable. Good job Louis, you knob. You were too busy staring at your beautiful best friend to notice that you were making him uncomfortable. Who even does that?! UGH.

There was more ruffling of the bed sheets and then I noticed Harry was getting up so he could take off his pants and shirt. He threw them carelessly across my room and then lifted the covers to get under with me. The warmth of his leg brushed against my thigh and I felt heat rise in my cheeks. To hide my blush I rested my head on Harry’s chest and slung an arm carelessly across his torso, hoping that my actions came off as friendly and normal.

 I felt him wince a little bit as my hand hit the bruises that were still red and angry on his hip bones. In an attempt at a silent apology I started rubbing small circles into the battered skin just above his boxers. A small shudder ran up his body. Maybe he really is cold? 

“Hazzabear, are you cold?” I looked up at him from my position on his chest and he was looking down at me from where the back of his head rested on his arms. He brought his left arm down and started carding his slim fingers through my hair. It felt so good that I forgot the question I had just asked and nuzzled back into the warmth of his chest.

“Oh, and Hazza?”

“Yes Lou?” I stayed where I was and continued drawing patterns on to his side with the tips of my fingers. My cold skin meeting his feverish skin. 

“I know you said you couldn’t promise me that you would let me help you, but can you promise me that you won’t leave again.” I could feel the rise in his chest as he took in a deep breathe. “For you, I will.”

Those were the last words spoken before I started to drift off into a peaceful sleep. Although just before I was completely out I felt Harry’s fingers stop in my hair for a brief second before he whispered nearly inaudible in my dream state, “I did it all because I’ve already fallen for someone.” with that he continued playing with my hair, tugging lightly when he reached a knot and I was brought to a fully unconscious state, warm and tingly in the arms of the best friend I love so much.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts. 
> 
> Not just any thoughts though, no, the only thoughts occupying the mind of Louis Tomlinson were thoughts filled with images of green eyes, brown curly hair, porcelain skin, and a laugh so melodic that it takes your universe, shatters it and rearranges it into something more beautiful than it was before at the mere sound of it.
> 
> Thoughts, that kept Louis up at night while the person that was occupying them was becoming more distant and changing into someone that no one even knew anymore. 
> 
> Too bad those thoughts were as unimportant as the next, because while Louis Tomlinson pined over his best friend, Harry was slowly slipping through his fingers, because thoughts don’t get your best friend back to who he was before, actions do. Actions that Louis Tomlinson couldn’t find within himself, until now.

***Harry’s POV***

I could feel the sun on my cheek as it’s warm rays were casting through the curtains of the bedroom I was in. Looking around I was confused in my still half-conscious state and then a soft snore startled me into full alertness. I peered over my left shoulder and to my dismay could only see a lump beside me. Okay, so there was definitely a body there, but who’s? Had I really been that drunk last night?

Pushing the linens away from my face I untangled my arms and tried to role over to see who occupied the lumpy form beside me. I was stopped though and then realised that this lump had arms, arms that were wrapped around my waist with a grip so tight I even questioned how I was possibly breathing in such a state. 

Just as I was about to unwrap the anonymous person’s arms from around me I felt a warm breath release onto my neck and an all to familiar moan escape the lips of, Louis. 

Fuck, Louis.

Everything from last night came rushing back to me. Me coming home and trying to sneak around the kitchen until I hit my foot off that damned counter up until telling Louis I was gay. Of course I just had to make it all worse by not stopping at just telling him that I was gay. No, apparently I had to tell him everything I had done as well.

I remember the look on his face when I told him that I basically had people sexually abuse me for their pleasure and my pain. The way he tried to comfort me was what gets me the most though. The way he cared for me, the way he wanted to understand what was happening so so much. That’s what pains me the most to remember, because why would Louis Tomlinson care about me, the lowly and pathetic Harry Styles? Why would someone so perfect, so flawless, so selfless, and so wonderful care about someone like me, someone that is no more than a pathetic waste of space and is in love with his best friend. Oh, yeah. I’m in love with my best friend, that friend being none other than Louis Tomlinson himself.

I swear, I almost hate him at this point. I hate how he can go on living his life, loving who he wants, and how he wants even if the public doesn’t know. I hate how he does everything so freely and beautifully. He is so full of love and passion that I cann’t help but fall for him more and more every day. He does everything ten times faster than the norm and doesn’t think twice about it. He is so sure of himself, even if he doesn’t know how something will turn out he is still confident that everything will be okay, and I hate that. I hate that I can’t keep up with him, I hate that I’m trailing behind, always on his heels, and always living in his shadows. All I am is the dust that remains after he has paved his way through another part of his life. I don’t want to always live in the shadows of Louis Tomlinson but I can’t help it. I don’t live, everything I do revolves around him. Every step I take is because I know it will lead me in his direction. Every inhale and exhale of my breath is to keep me alive so I can be with him. Everything I do is to make me someone that he can stand being around, everything I do is to make him love me even if it’s not the way I need him to. 

However, a few months ago I started to realise that my life was him, only him. So as I started to distance myself away from my life I also started to wallow away with my actions. Louis could only be described as my life support, he‘s the only thing that keeps me going anymore even if he doesn‘t see it, or even if it doesn‘t seem like im moving forward myself. So as I to drifted away from him, my life theoretically began drifting away from me. 

When all of these realisations hit me I was terrified. I have never loved someone other than my family my close friends and the boys. That love though is normal, that love is platonic, but as I started to get shivers when Louis touched me or I blushed at the little things he did, like let his gazes sent in my direction linger a little bit longer than what would be considered necessary I panicked. First of all, this love I had never felt, and yes after many nights of questioning what was going on love was the only thing I could come up with. Believe it or not, I wasn’t surprised at all though when I had come to that conclusion. I was able to accept that the feelings I had for a certain blue eyed boy may be more than platonic, what I wasn’t ready for though was the way I began to notice things in other men. The way their clothes fit. The way their lips moved when they spoke or how the sound of their voices seemed so much more appealing than a woman’s. No, I Harry Styles was not ready to accept the fact that I was indeed gay.

I’m still not ready, and that’s why I did what I did. I want to be normal, I don’t want to be judged for who I am and so, like I told Louis I did what I had to do to be normal and to live a life that everyone else could be proud of. I tried scaring the gay out of myself.

I was startled out of my thoughts by another moan sounding from the love of my life’s mouth. Louis, I love Louis. I can accept that and this can be a start. I think.

“Mmm Haz, your hair smells good.”

I let out a small chuckle, of course that would be the first thing he said. He’s always loved my hair, for reasons still unknown to me. “Yeah, well that’s because I was forced to shower last night if I remember correctly.” Louis let out a small noise of appreciation from the back of his throat and nuzzled further into my back while tightening his grip around my waist so that he was spooning me making me the little spoon even with our unquestionable height difference. Damn, this was definitely NOT helping me hide my feelings for him.

“Lou, darling. Do you think you could loosen your grip on me before I lose the feeling in the lower half of my body?”

“M’No, your warm. Stay w’me.” I could barely make out what he was saying, his words slurring due to his sleepiness and the fact that his mouth and nose were still nuzzled into the nape of my neck.

“Turn ‘round” he said a little bit louder into my back. He let go of me and in the next second I was lying on my back, our chests flush together as he moved to sling his left leg around my waist so that he was basically on top of me and using my chest as a pillow. “Louis, I know you love to use me as your own personal pillow but I really have to use the washroom, love.” I tried squirming away, because yes, I had to pee. It had nothing to do with our compromising position, or my erm… feelings.

Tired eyes peered up at me through hooded lids, my breath caught as his gaze lingered on my lips. How could someone look so perfect when just waking up? I took this moment take in Louis’ full appearance. His right cheek still had the lines from his pillow crease imprinted into it and his hair was slightly flattened where his fringe was splayed across his forehead. I moved the hand that wasn’t pinned between my body and Lou’s to remove a stray hair that was blocking my view of his beautiful blue eyes. Just as I gently moved the hair away and every so slightly brushed his forehead with my fingertips he grabbed my right hand with his left and place our now entwined fingers on my chest. I was sure he could feel the hitch in my breath, but even if he did he didn’t say anything. He just continued to stare at me with those ocean blue eyes that were still slightly glazed over with exhaustion.

I didn’t know how long we had been laying there just staring at each other before he finally spoke up. “Haz, you look like shit. Your eyes are all puffy and red.”

I scoffed at that one. A compliment in the morning, and an insult. What better way to wake up is there? 

“Yes, that’s probably because I was a little baby last night and was crying until the wee hours of the morning. I’m sure you remember just how pathetic it was.” I watched as Louis’s face dropped in front of me and his brows furrowed, creating a sickeningly adorable crease on his forehead. He shifted up in the bed so that he was now eye level with me. His half slung leg moved so that it was now fully over my right side and his right leg was beside my left so that he was straddling my hips. This was definitely not helping with my breathing problem.

Louis leaned down until he was so close that I could feel him exhaling through his nose. Hovering right above me he leaned just a bit closer and pressed his nose to mine while shutting his eyes, successfully giving me an Eskimo kiss before pulling back slightly and sighing. With that action he cupped my face in his hands and looked at me with serious eyes.

“Love, you are not pathetic” he paused and moved back down to gently kiss just beneath my left eyes, “and I will do everything in my power to help you get through this” he muffled against my cheek and then gently dragged his lips across my face to my nose and then placed a bit more pressure under my right eye before finishing off “and if you crying in front of me means you won’t leave me, I’ll take it.” he leaned back and pressed his forehead against mine and whispered, “we’ll do this together, whatever you need, I’ll be here and we can work it out together.”

I sat there staring into his eyes for a few more moments before registering what had just happened, still caught up in the tingling sensation I was feeling from him hovering over me, straddling me, and placing those soft lips on my face. 

“I uhh, yea. Thanks Lou, love you.” he bent down and pecked my nose before getting off my lap and walking over towards his dresser.

“Love ya too Haz.” and if only he knew how much more I meant it than he ever would.

“Now, I’m going go change, and I’ll meet you in the kitchen. Sound good hazzaa beeeeaar?” He said dragging out the a in Hazza and e in bear, while jumping into his skinny’s doing the classic jean shimmy. 

“Okay” was all I could seem to muster up with the sight of Louis changing in front of me before I swung my legs over the side of the bed and padded out of the room and downstairs into our kitchen.

~*~

I was downstairs with the tea kettle on the stove rummaging through the fridge when I felt a pair of hands resting on my waist from behind me. “Seriously H, did you grow again and not warn me?” I could feel him smiling as he rested his cheek on my back. I took this chance to turn around in his arms and place my hands on his shoulders hoping that I had managed to cover up how flustered I actually was.

This is normal. This was normal. I can’t let him think that anything has changed by stopping our cuddly actions with each other, he would definitely question that. So ironically my best chances of hiding my love for him was showing my love, even if he thought it was all platonic.

We’ve always been extremely close, mentally and physically. The other boys stopped questioning it when they realised we really were lost causes. It’s like we always need to be touching each other some how. It’s safe, it’s us.

Out of my thoughts Louis was still holding me, now in front looking up at me with eyes that could melt my heart on the spot, and to be honest it might have been happening right now. Maybe. “So, erm do you want a cuppa? I have the kettle on, and then I was thinking we could go snuggle up on the couch and just lounge around. Have a day for us? We haven‘t done that in a long time.” I pushed through my words hoping I didn’t sound as flustered as I felt with the way he had started to subconsciously draw patterns into my exposed hip bones with the pads of his thumbs.

He let out a little cough and looked down at where our feet were before answering quietly, “I’m actually going out with El today, she sort of wants to go shopping and you know, it wouldn’t be bad for publicity so-”

“No no no, Louis it’s fine I mean, I get it. You do what you want to do, I’ll just laze around today. Have fun, we can hang whenever. I’m not - It’s not a big deal.” 

“NO! It is a big deal, this is stupid. I should.. I’ll just cancel okay? I just got you back I don’t want to leave you, just one second I’ll go call El-” I stopped him on the spot and grabbed his arm, pulling him into a vice grip. “Louis, seriously calm down. It’s my fault that we haven’t had a Larry day in so long okay? You go out, and I’ll be here when you get back. Maybe we can even go out and see the boys, I miss them.” He relaxed slightly in our embrace and pulled back so that he was looking at me again.

“Yeah, okay Haz. Sounds good. I seriously love you, you know that right?” and there it was again, the L word. I think sometimes it hurts just as much as when he calls us friends, because I know that it will never be anything more than that. I managed to squeak out and “I know.” before I shoved him towards the front door. He yelled out an “I’ll be back before dinner” before the door shut behind him and I was left to my own devices.

~*~

An hour and a half later I was wandering around our empty flat in search of something to do. Lately I had been drinking a lot, even I could see the changes in everything I was doing, but I couldn’t stop it. Drinking numbs the pain. Not just physical (which there was a lot of) but also emotional. I told Louis I don’t want to be gay, which is true but I’m still not sure I explained everything to the best of my abilities. Ever since I was younger, I have always been the child that does everything to please everyone else. I live to satisfy everyone because by knowing that people approve of my actions I become happy with who I am. I know being gay is not something I should be ashamed of, but it is something that other people would be ashamed of and I just can’t have that. So my only solution was to do something about it.

I can still feel their hands on me. I try not to think about the way I would be thrown onto the floor or up against a wall after I had told someone that I need them to go rough on me. I can still feel the way fingers dug into my skin leaving marks there. I can still smell the alcohol on their breaths as they groan into my ear while pushing hard into me, dry, unprepared. 

Whatever I had done, needs to stop, I know that. I’m not really stopping for myself though, I mean sure, I have had enough pain to last me a life time, I don’t necessarily need it anymore. The damage has been done, and I doubt there is any going back. If I was being honest with myself, I’m doing this for Louis. He just seemed so fragile and hurt when I told him. It’s because of Louis that I can’t bring myself to do it again. I can’t disappoint him, I won’t disappoint him.

Alcohol though, that’s something I can do, it helps to numb the pain. It makes me forget about what’s going on in the real world and allows me to drift off to where my thoughts are clouded and I can’t feel all of the judging eyes around me. Alcohol became my safety when I couldn’t talk to Louis because my problems were and still are about him for the most part. So as to not disappoint Louis, or anyone else I will stop hurting myself, and I won’t be gay, or at least not out about it. I can accept that I’m gay now, as long as I’m gay in silence where I know everyone will still be proud of who I am. 

With my new found revelation I made my way out of the kitchen where I had been pacing back and forth over to our living room to sit on our large black couch. I flicked on the telly before getting my laptop, blanket, and pillow, preparing myself for a long day of tumblr and some bad day time television. 

***Louis’ POV***

“Louis, would  you just stop?! I’m sure he’s fine, he was fine when you left right?”

“Yes, but-”

“No, the only butt we are going to discuss is yours, trying on those jeans while I go over to top shop, okay?!”

“But El! He was upset last night, you weren’t there, you didn’t see him it was.. It was awful. I should really go home. I’m sure he is fine but, he needs me and to be honest I sort of need him too right now.” We had been shopping about three hours now when I had decided that it was time to text Harry to check up on him. I wasn’t checking up because of last night or because I thought he would go out again, really. We always did this. Whenever we went out and weren’t together we always kept up a conversation via text. Even when Harry would leave me for days I would still send him little messages if only to receive a “K.” in return.

However, after last night and this morning I really thought that maybe we were going to be able to fix things and get close again, so when I had texted him about an hour ago and got no response I decided to try again. Once again, I was left empty and hurt as I was not greeted with anything back from Harry. So my natural reaction was to start panicking. 

“Louis, I think it’s time we had a talk, about some .. Things.” Eleanor was a great friend, really, but when she wanted things to go her way she usually got it, so even though I really wanted to go back to see Harry I new that I was doomed anyways and just sighed before giving El what she wanted.

“Fine, I don’t know what’s so much more important than Haz right now, but I guess I can wait. Just an hour though, one more hour and then you have to let me go back!” she smirked and grabbed my hand before throwing the jeans I had been about to try on in a random pile and dragged me out of the store to a little café near where we were.

Inside the café we both ordered our drinks, hers some little dainty no calorie thing, mine a hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, because really, I was already being dragged around the city when I wanted to be with Harry, so I may as well drown my sorrows in rich chocolaty goodness. Plus I’m sure hers would be unsatisfying, no matter what she says about it. 

“Alright El, I’m here, we’re here, what is so bloody important that you had to make a big deal out of this talk instead of just going off like you normally would. I know you, so explain.” I said as we took a seat in a booth that was near a window so that the paparazzi could have their lovely photos and management would be happy. She set down her beverage and took my left hand in her right. We sort of just naturally do little things like that now, after being told by management so many times that this is how couples act, but this time seemed different. This time she had a look in her eyes showing me that she was genuinely concerned and that the touch was actually out of friendship and not because of publicity.

“Lou, you need to admit it to yourself.” 

Okay, so that is definitely not what I was expecting. What had I been expecting? I don’t even know, but it wasn’t that, and what was that?

“Alright, love. You’ve lost me. Explain more, I can tell that you are dying to.” And I did, she had this look on her face as if she was about to explode with what was on her mind. I went to take a sip of my hot chocolate,

“You’re in love with Harry.” 

“El, of course I love Harry he’s sort of my everything. He’s my best friend!”

“Louis, I know you love H but that’s not what I meant. I meant that you are IN LOVE with Harry as in, he is your everything, you are his everything, and you want to jump his bones!”

“I WHAT?!” I spat out any hot chocolate that was in my mouth. Did she just say..

“Did you just say that I want to jump, my B E S T F R I E N D’S bones?!” I grabbed at the napkin that was beside me and wiped down the front of my shirt where the hot chocolate was, also hoping that my nervous movements looked like they had been from the beverage being hot and not because of what El had just said.

“Yes, I did say that, but more importantly I believe I said you were in love with him. Which, by your reaction, and no you can’t hide that with some lame excuse about the hot chocolate like I know you will, I am right.”

“I uh- El, sorry to disappoint but I’m not in love with Harry. We are just friends nothing more, besides he would never think of me that way” which is true. Harry is so wonderful, sure he may have his flaws but they just make him that more perfect. Sometimes it’s almost unbearable how perfect he is. He does everything with such love, he lives to please everyone. He is so selfless. He’s such a great person. The best thing about him though is the way he is with me. I love how I can wrap my arms around him and it feels like we are being melded into one, or the way he looks when he wakes up, his cheeks tinted pink from sleep, and his eyes still cloudy. He’s adorable, he’s amazing, he’s perfect, he’s safe, he’s home.

“Shit.” I’m in love with Harry Styles.

“What are you going to do then?” I put my head in my hands and let out another sigh. 

“I don’t know El, I mean. I can’t really do anything especially after last night, and like I said he would never fall for me. It’s all a lost cause I think my best option here is to just forget about it, move on before I have a chance to stick with it too long. Less pain for both of us you know? Plus, I can’t lose Harry and after everything that has just happened, I know that I would.” I felt my eyes welling up with tears as the realization sunk in. I had almost lost Harry for good, and if I want to keep him then I have to hide this part of me away. My head was still in my hands, tears silently falling when I felt the seat cushion drop beside me, and two feminine arms wrapping around my shoulders. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened that’s got you this worked up over Harry? I know you and I know that nothing could break your guys’ friendship, so why the worry over something such as love? Which if my assumptions prove correct, I think he feels the same about you.” she rubbed soothing circles on my back while I continued to cry.

“I can’t El, it’s not my story to share, but let’s just say, Harry could never fall for me, even if he wanted to.” 

“Louis, it’s going to be okay. Shh, I’ll help you with this. I know I’m paid to be your girlfriend but that doesn’t mean you aren’t one of my best friends. I will help you with the whole Harry situation, okay? So what you are going to do now, is go home turn on some hopelessly romantic movie and cuddle up with your boy, because I think you guys have spent too much time apart and it is taking a toll on both of you. You may not be able to admit your feelings towards him now, but showing him how much you love him could never hurt. Okay babes?”

I sniffled and wiped my eyes before turning around and returning Eleanor‘s hug. 

“You really are pretty great you know that? I’ll have Paul come around and get you, go be with your boy too. I’m sure Matt misses you, and you deserve some romantic alone time after you had to deal with me today.” We both giggled and she pulled away leaving me with a small peck on my cheek.

“Get ‘em Tommo” she winked at me before leaving the café, and I made my way out the back as to hide from fans and make my way back to where I belong. 

***Harry’s POV***

I had left my laptop open beside me while I watched some lame television show about some pathetic girl pining over a boy that cheated on her when I decide maybe tumblr was more fun than this and picked my computer back up hitting the “tumblr” icon that would refresh my dashboard. 

Horrified, I felt my heart drop into my stomach as I was greeted with pictures of Louis and Eleanor out today. They looked so close, and in love as she held his hand from across a table and he looked at her as if she was the only person in the room. The way we do, I added as a side note in my head.

Just as I thought it couldn’t get any worse I refreshed my dash once again to even more photos. This time ones they were photos of them hugging tightly as if letting go would shatter the perfect moment they seemed to be in.

What hurts the most is that just before Louis had left me to be with her we had been in the exact same position. I know that this whole “Elounor” thing is for management but sometimes I wonder if Louis is leaving some bits out, if maybe there is something more to them. He is bisexual after all, he likes girls as well. Which is more than I can say for myself. 

Scrolling further down there was a photo of Eleanor winking at Louis before she left the café they were in with the comment  _“awwwwe soul mates forever!”_  

I placed my laptop beside me, shutting it firmly and willing the tears that were starting to form in my eyes to go away. I stood up and went on a search for the only thing that would ease my heartache that wasn’t Louis.

Alcohol.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts. 
> 
> Not just any thoughts though, no, the only thoughts occupying the mind of Louis Tomlinson were thoughts filled with images of green eyes, brown curly hair, porcelain skin, and a laugh so melodic that it takes your universe, shatters it and rearranges it into something more beautiful than it was before at the mere sound of it.
> 
> Thoughts, that kept Louis up at night while the person that was occupying them was becoming more distant and changing into someone that no one even knew anymore. 
> 
> Too bad those thoughts were as unimportant as the next, because while Louis Tomlinson pined over his best friend, Harry was slowly slipping through his fingers, because thoughts don’t get your best friend back to who he was before, actions do. Actions that Louis Tomlinson couldn’t find within himself, until now

_*The club was pulsing, I could feel the bass running up my spine and seeping into my bones as my shirt clung to my skin with the humidity from the bodies swarming in around me. “This is good” I thought to myself. I need a distraction from my life and this will definitely do. I made my way over to the bar in hopes of finding liquor strong enough to numb my mind so that I could visit that place in my brain where I could hide away from everything, even myself._

_I sat down at the long bar ordering their strongest alcohol, not even caring how much my tab would cost at the end of the night. I am famous and rich after all, and I can’t do what I want to do with my life so I may as well indulge in what little things I can. It just so happens indulging in alcohol helps me to forget what I can’t have._

_I quickly finished the drink that had been handed to me gagging down the rest of the fiery liquid. I pushed through the burn knowing that the dullness to come would be worth it if it was going to replace the ugly thoughts derived from the part of my mind that is only out to hurt me, and for some reason would never shut off._

_I made quick of ordering another glass of tonight’s poison and turned around in the bar stool to scan the crowd. Bodies were grinding hot and heavy against each other keeping rhythm to the deep base that was pumping through the room. I was about to turn back around determined to turn my blood into alcohol when I saw it._

_His dainty stature, perfectly sculpted back and arse were nearly impossible to miss as they wound around the body of someone smaller, someone who I wish I wouldn’t have had to seen. At least not right now. But as luck has it, there was Louis grinding profusely into Eleanor’s backside with his head resting on her shoulder, his eyes lidded with what could only be defined as lust and pure ecstasy. I swallowed back the lump in my throat and willed myself to turn back around and avoid the obscurity before me in that moment._

_I knew I had feelings for Louis, but that only made this worse. Made this gay thing even more painful because, how does one fall out of love with someone such as Louis Tomlinson? He’s perfect, and yes I know no one is perfect, but in this very moment I am determined that anyone can be perfect, once you fall in love with them, and Louis Tomlinson was definitely perfect in my eyes._

_Anger boiled deep down in my abdomen as my mind filled with images of caramel feathered hair, beautiful blue eyes, and a voice as sweet as honey. I cant think like this, he’s my best friend and on top of that I can’t be gay. So many people would be disappointed in me, would be disgusted with me. Louis would hate me, he’d think that I’d be all over him. I have to get over this, no matter what it takes_

_My thoughts were interrupted by a scruffier bloke clearing his throat beside me. He looked to be about twenty five, so about seven years older than me. He had dark brown hair and dull brown eyes but he wore a sly smile, one that almost made me nauseous. I pushed any thoughts of Louis to the back of my head and looked the man right in his eyes. He was fit enough, rough around the edges, but he would do. At least for what I needed._

_“Want to go out to the dance floor?” I asked putting on a smile that I hoped was seductive enough. It seemed to work because in the next second I was being pulled through the crowd of thrashing bodies, being hit by stray limbs here and there. All of a sudden my back side was being pulled into another body harshly almost knocking the wind out of me.  I breathed in roughly and then put on my best act, “rough boy aren’t we?” the man growled into my neck and then dug his finger tips into my hips harshly before grinding a little to hard into my back. I could make out the bulge already growing in his pants and knew that in that instant if I had any chance at getting what I had come here for done, I’d have to make my move now. I turned around so I was facing the sweaty guy and reached up on my toes to whisper into his ear, “let’s get out of here” and then I took his upper arm in my hand and dragged him into the bathroom._

_Once in the bathroom he had me shoved up hard into the door and locked it quickly to make sure no one would get in, which I was grateful for. It was already bad enough that I was using a guy for these purposes (to help me.. de-gay myself) let alone get caught by someone that would surely have no problem selling this to the tabloids at the mention of cash money._

_I was pulled out of my thoughts when I felt the guy’s lips trailing up my jaw, definitely leaving his mark on me as he sucked on my skin. “No, not the lips, anywhere but the lips.” He paused at my words but continued with his ministrations before I groaned out of frustration knowing that if he did this I may enjoy it and we most certainly could not have that. “Be rough, hurt me, PLEASE!” I begged. At my words his head snapped up and his face brightened in a wicked grin. I shut my eyes knowing that that’s all I had needed to say to get what I had been coming here for tonight._

_Fat hands smacked against my hips successfully bashing me into the wall I was pressed against, I squealed in protest and shut my eyes tightly taking a few deep breathes. In a split moment I was being pulled harshly over to where the sink was and shoved into it, abdomen first causing me to gag in reaction to the harsh blow._

_“Bend over bitch!” the man screamed in my ear, saliva hitting my neck as he yelled hot and heavy.  I listened to him knowing that this was all it was going to take, this was all I needed to make me hate it all._

_Soon without me even noticing my jeans were on the floor and 2 thick fingers were being shoved roughly into my tight buttocks. I screamed at the dry intrusion, it felt like I was being ripped into two and this wasn’t even the worst of it, I knew that from experience._

_“Just hurry dammit!” I breathed out exasperated, I wasn’t even turned on the slightest, all of this was so painful that my dick just hung limply as the man began to pull his fingers out of my heat. There was a crude laugh that sounded behind me before I doubled over in the instant pain that washed over me as the man pushed his hard erection in to me with such force that I was sure that the wind that had just been knocked out of me wouldn’t be back for quite some time. He scratched his nails along my hips leaving angry read marks there._

_He pulled all out at once and then slammed into me so hard that my body was pinned between the sink and his body. He built up a messy pace continuously protruding my already sore anus and my head whipped forward quickly on one particularly hard thrust of his hips. My head flew into the mirror and I screamed out in pain as my skull cracked against the hard surface and my body fell shuttering and broken to the floor, I shakily moved my hand up to my head and felt the blood seep through my fingers from where the mirror had gouged at my temple. I screamed hoping someone would here me hoping that someone would come save me from all of this pain, “Harry!” there was a voice yelling my name but reality began to blur around the edges as the bleeding got heavier and the red stickiness spilled out of my head quicker. “HARRY!” I mumbled before everything turned -*_

“HARRY!”  My breath hitched and I gasped for air, my lungs were on fire and hot tears were streaming down my face.

“Harry, babe! Shh calm down hun, breathe for me please.” Two strong arms wrapped around my torso and I looked around panicking before my eyes locked with two sapphire ones. It was clear that Louis was panicking as he held on to me for dear life. I relaxed a little bit before remembering what I had dreamt about. The worst part is that most of it, save the Eleanor and Louis bit was all true. Painfully true, and to make matters worse Louis just had to be the one to be here when my brain would decide to recall such things. I let out a choked sob and fisted Louis’ jumper in my knuckles. I buried my head into his chest hoping that he wouldn’t mention the empty bottle of vodka that lay on the floor beside the couch where my laptop and blanket had been thrown. I can’t remember how or when I passed out but I do recall that bottle being full before I had taken my first sip of the fiery water. 

I continued sobbing into Louis’ jumper as he hushed into my hair and rubbed my back with one of his hands that was wrapped around me.

“Hazza babe, what happened? Why are you drinking again? I thought you promised to try for me.” his voice was laced with sadness as he continued to stroke my back and the lump in my throat grew twice the size. What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t tell him the truth, well maybe I could tell him part of the truth.

“I-I was just really upset and you weren’t here, and the alcohol helps but I must have crashed and it was so real it was all so real and I don’t know what to do anymore! Make him stop touching me Louis, make his fingers go away!” I clenched my fists tighter around his shirt begging. I felt so dirty, no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get the feeling of the guys needy fingers off of me. Louis tensed around me and I jerked back.

“I’m sorry, I just. Here let me go, I didn’t mean to Lou. I promise not to drink again. Bye.” I scrambled off of the black couch as quickly as I could but Louis caught me by the wrist and I went flinging back into his lap. 

“Harry, what happened? Talk to me, I said we would work this out together didn’t I?” I nodded my head but still hid in the crook of his neck, ashamed by all of the recent events. No wonder Louis could never love me, I’m such a wreck.

“Nothing Lou, I’m fine. It’s all over, yeah? Just a nightmare” Louis carded his fingers through my knotted curls and hummed.

“What was it about?” it was my turn to tense this time. Should I really tell him? Will he be disgusted with me?

“I erm, it was the night you caught me in the kitchen. Before though when I had been at the club, and the guy I let um, have his way with me.. It’s nothing Louis, it’s in the past just forget this okay?”

It was sometime before he answered, I know because I had been counting his heart beats long enough to have noticed that they had slowed down, meaning he was less panicked from before when he had found me.

He inhaled deeply and I looked up at him. “We aren’t going to forget this Harry, I don’t think forgetting any of this is going to help you heal. We’ll work past it though.” I thought about it for a second and then nodded into the crook of his neck. “Yeah, that’s fine Lou. Thanks for being here, I love you.” he continued drawing circles on my back making sure to avoid my still bruised hips and then shifted a bit so that we could see each other easier.

“How about, you call your mom. Plan a small vacation, I think you could use it, and I will call the boys. I know how much they’ve missed you.” guilt seeped back in through my body at the thought of the other lads. They were basically my brothers and I had run away from them when I needed them most, I wasn’t sure if they wanted to be with me anymore.

“Lou, I’m not so sure about that I don’t think they really want to see me. I’ve been a right twat to them.” I felt the rise and fall of Louis’ chest beneath me as he chuckled. “Yes, you have been but they love you very much, and they miss you. They know deep down that the person you’ve been the past few months isn’t the real you Hazza and it’s the real you they are craving to have back. Now go call Anne and send her my love!” I sighed in defeat knowing that either way Louis would drag me out of this flat to see the boys, so for the second time in the past few minutes I hauled myself out of Louis’ arms and made my way out of our cozy living room.

“Uh, Lou?” I paused by the door.

“Yes Harold my dear?” Louis sing-songed from where he was still sprawled across our couch.

“Would you, maybe like I don’t know, come home with me? I mean, youdonthavetobutimsuremymommissesyouandyea” my last words blurred together as my nerves got the worst of me. I shouldn’t be nervous, Louis has come home with me many a time but it feels weird now that he knows about me being the way… I am.

Louis giggled, wait. Louis giggled? Can he get cuter? Bright blue eyes looked up at me and he pushed his fringe out of his face before standing up and walking across the room to where I was.

“Of course I would love to go home with you. Just for Anne of course.” He added a wink at then end of his sentence and then leaned in to me. Oh no, oh no why is he so close? He’s going to see me blushing, I bet he can hear my heart rate climbing right now. God dammit Harry calm down this is Louis he’s your best friend. He is ONLY your best fri-

My thoughts were cut off when I felt a warmth on my cheeks. Louis had just kissed me, on the cheek. He chuckled again and then pat me on the shoulder as he left the room.

“Call your mom, love. I’ll get packing.”

I was definitely glad he left without looking back at me or else he would have seen my obvious blusing, but how could I not blush? Louis Tomlinson just winked at me, and then he kissed my cheek, AND THEN called me love. 

~*~

“Are you sure this is a good idea? Maybe I should start slowly, send off a few texts. See them at rehearsals. Ease into it, you know?”

Louis was throwing articles of clothing out of my closet as I continued to ramble off my thoughts to him.

“Trust me, they miss you. A lot. Everything is going to be okay, and I’ll be there to help you if anything gets awkward. Which it won’t because they are your brothers. Now put this on.” Louis through a black v-neck at me and a pair of dark washed blue-jeans. 

“Fine, but only because you are making me, and why exactly are YOU picking out my clothes for tonight?” 

A few muffled words came from the closet where Louis stood knees deep in the clothes he had taken off of hangers and out of drawers. He shuffled some more and then peeked his head out of the door looking at me with an “are you serious?” expression on his face.

“Well, if it isn’t obvious, you clearly have no fashion sense. Pick up a magazine. What have you been wearing lately might I ask?! You’re shirts could fit the hulk and your pants probably wouldn’t even fit little Lux. So I am dressing you because clearly with out me you are a massive fashion don’t.” he said with a very sassy expression on his face and then turned around going back inside my wardrobe.

“Hey!” I yelled from where I sat perched on my bed.

“What I usually wear is just fine, thank you.”

Louis walked out of the wardrobe, arms full of clothes for what I assumed was our little vacation.

“Really Lou, we are going for a week not our lives. I don’t need that mu-

Just as I was about to finish my sentence Louis tripped over one of the many scattered items -

“Lou watch out!” I dove off of my bed and landed just in time and in place for Louis to fall messily on top of me.

“Thanks Hazza” Louis muffled into my bare stomach. I got chills where his hot breath hit my abdomen just a little bit too low for it to be friendly. He had landed so that his one leg was wrapped around both of mine and his head lay near the v-line on my right hip.

I felt the muscles in my lower stomach pull tight at the feeling of Louis’ hair tickling my abdomen and his still warm breath cascading on my sensitive skin while he breathed through his mouth. I can just imagine what it would be like to have his lips graze over my hip bones hot with determination. His mouth leaving a wet sloppy trail down the line of my pubic hair making their way to the waist band of my boxers so that he could put those perfect lips where I need them most - wow okay no, bad. Stop now, this is not the time to be thinking anything like that. 

Getting rid of those thoughts were hard (no pun intended) when Louis still had his head so close to my erm.. Yeah.

“Really Lou, it’s no problem. Now if you could just get off so I could go to the bathroom and change then we could go. That would be lovely, wouldn’t that be lovely?”

“Ugh, yeah. Do you think you could help me though?” he muffled into my stomach again. God damn, what am I going to do with him. I lifted my head enough from where I was laying on my back so that I could see him. His other leg was all tangled in some clothes on the floor and the ones that were in his hand now lay about two feet away needing to be refolded.

“Lou! You’re on top of me you twat now get off I need the bathroom!” that was very true, he was still causing me to feel a bit flustered and this position was quite compromising. He groaned again, and that’s when I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. My pants were already starting to constrict in ways they shouldn’t be, at least not right now.

I shoved Louis off of me and then quickly grabbed my t-shirt and jeans covering the tightness in my pants as I stood up. I quickly scurried out of the room and yelled “I think that was help enough!” back at Lou before I locked the door of the bathroom and let out a deep sigh.

I walked over to the sink and splashed some freezing cold water on my face.

Maybe “turning off the gay” wasn’t going to be as easy as planned.

Especially with Lou around.

~*~

“Deep breathes H. You’ll be fine, they’ll be fine. Everything will be fine. Just relax. They are family, they haven’t and still wont judge you.”

We were standing outside of Zayn’s house since his is the largest place and it’s got a lot of surrounding property so it’s more private, unlike the rest of us that still live in complexes. Our flats are definitely large enough to be homes but it’s nice at Zayn’s. It reminds me of my home, with all of the greenery around it. The familiarity of it all was already calming me down. I took one more deep breath and turned to lock eyes with Louis. 

“Yea, okay. Thanks. I’m ready now.”

Louis wrapped one arm around my waist and with the other hand rang the doorbell. A few deep breaths later the door swung open to a very hyper Niall with a bag of crisps in one hand. His eyes widened and he threw the crisps across Zayn’s entry way and leapt into my arms.

“Harry! I’ve missed you so much! God you can’t do that to us!” he hugged me tightly and nuzzled his head into my neck. I felt Louis’ grip around my waist tighten but made nothing of it and laughed as Niall pulled back from our embrace and showered me with a dramatic display of kisses on my face. Louis cleared his throat beside us and I looked over to see him fiddling with the hem of his shirt. 

“I uh, I’m going to go see the others.” he kicked off his shoes and walked out of the grande entry into the living room with his head down and hands in his pockets.

“What’s wrong with him?” Niall asked as he unlatched himself from me and went to get the bag of crisps he had thrown God knows where.

“I really don’t know, he was fine a minute ago.” and he was, I have no clue why he acted the way he did. He was all smiles outside with me a moment ago when he was encouraging me to come see the lads.

“Hmm, well I’m sure he’ll be fine. Let’s go see everyone!” Niall had his bag of crisps in his left hand and grabbed my left with his free one before dragging me quickly into the living area.

Zayn and Liam sat together on the loveseat while Louis sat on the long couch facing them. They were clearly in a fairly deep conversation but Niall didn’t seem to notice as he flung himself on top of Liam and Zayn while basically screeching,

“Look guys! He lives!” the two boys startled up and looked in my direction. Liam’s face spread into a wide grin and Zayn just sort of sat looking frozen to his spot. Liam stood up and walked towards me and enveloped me in a massive hug, crushing me against his body.

“Man, it’s great to have you back. We haven’t been the same without you.” he grumbled into my ear as he held me tight. I chuckled at his antics and moved back out of his grip a bit so I could breathe. Don’t get me wrong, Liam hugs are the best but sometimes a man needs some air.

“I’ve missed you guys too Li. I’m glad you can forgive me for all of my bullshit.” He just stood there for a second before shaking his head back and forth,

“Nonsense H, you’ll always be welcome with us. No forgiving is necessary. We all have our fuck ups, yeah? Yours just happened to be a month and a half.” I inwardly cringed. If only he knew how well and truly I had actually fucked up in that time.

Liam turned around and walked back to the couch to sit beside Niall. Zayn still sat staring at me with no expression on his face and I was beginning to get uncomfortable. Was he really that mad at me? I guess ¾ was already pushing my luck. It would only make sense that someone has to be unforgiving right?

I looked down at the floor and shrugged. Why not try?

“So, no hug from Zayn I guess?” I chanced a glance up from the ground and saw that Zayn was still sitting rooted to his spot. I exhaled and decided to make my way over to the couch where Louis was sitting, giving up on this for now. No matter how much it hurt me.

“You’re not going to leave us again?” I turned around to meet my dark-haired best friend. His eyes were full of pain and fear.

“What do you mean?” my voice was little, even I knew what he meant but for some reason I had to hear it. I had to hear the effects of what I had done in the past while because no one had given it to me yet and I deserved it. All of it. Zayn stood abruptly from his seat and stormed over to where I was standing. I was met with a sharp pang to my left cheek as I was slapped by none other than Zayn himself.

“Zayn! What the fuck is your problem man!?” I heard Louis scream. I felt two arms on my back and stood up straight to accommodate the way in which they were pulling me. I could see Louis rushing over to me but Zayn stopped him.

“No Louis, leave it.” I looked at the brown eyed boy with sadness in my eyes. I did deserve that. I know it.

“How did that feel Harry?” he asked me, tone bitter and cold. I shivered at the emotions that lay behind his thick Bradford accent. He didn’t sound angry, just hurt. He sounded as if he was trying to stay strong and stand his ground while he made his point. I didn’t answer him knowing that the question had been rhetorical. He took his hands off of my shoulders and through them in the air.

“Dammit Harry! You know I can’t stay mad at you, but do you know how much it hurts to be ignored by your best mate!? These guys over here are your family! They would do anything for you and you just left them. You left us. You didn’t even think twice about how all the drinking, nights away, and countless missed rehearsals would effect us did you!”

Zayn was screaming while walking around in circles and pulling at his hair. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared at me.

“I don’t care if we lose our careers Harry, I don’t care if I have to sell my house and get a job, but I can’t lose you guys. You are all my brothers now and you leaving really fucked with us man. You can’t come back if you are going to do it again.” his sentence stayed strong until the end. The room was silent, the tension thick. That’s what I needed though, I needed to be told what I did wrong. I needed to be told that it wasn’t just about me. But mostly, I needed my boys. I looked up from the carpeted floor that I had been staring at with tears filling up in my eyes. In that very moment, everything in me broke and I shattered taking the few steps forward and collapsing into Zayn’s arms.

We sobbed profusely and just stayed that way for a bit. Hesitantly but surely he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me back.

“Damn, I am so so sorry. I love you guys so much. I shouldn’t have left you. I’ve always known I needed you four but I didn’t realise that it really mattered if I was around. I’m just so sorry, I won’t leave again.”

He loosened his grip on me and looked me in the eyes.

“We all need each other, yeah?” I just sniffled and nodded at what he said, not able to form any words at the moment. He sniffled to, when had he started crying? A smile spread across his face and he chuckled a bit.

“What?” I asked confused as to why he was laughing.

“Look at us Haz we’re such women. We could be on a soap opera.” I chuckled back and hugged him tightly once more before fully releasing him and turning back to the other boys. They were all wiping at their eyes with whatever material was closest to them and we all started to laugh, because wow we really are dramatic aren’t we?

“Well” Liam clapped his hands together.  “Why don’t we put a movie in and wait for dinner then hit the clubs, yeah?” 

“Sounds good, mate.” I replied quickly and went and sat on the sofa next to Lou, he was still looking a bit down, for reasons I was unsure about.

“Well, since it’s Harry’s first boy’s night in a while I’ll make dinner. Lou, wanna help me out in the kitchen?” Niall asked as he stood from his spot beside Liam. Louis turned his head to look at Niall with a dumfounded expression.

“Um, Niall I’m sort of shit at cooking you know that.” Louis stated as if it was just known that he couldn’t cook. 

“Yeah, well there is always room to learn so, kitchen. Now.” Niall said a bit more firmly, basically demanding that Louis accompany him with making dinner. Odd, I wonder what’s so important that he needs help with. 

“Whatever man, I’ll be right in.” Louis heaved himself into a standing position and made his way out of the living room trailing behind Niall. I settled down into the couch feeling lonely and sort of wishing Niall would have let Louis stay.

***Louis’ POV***

I entered the kitchen just to have the door shut quickly and loudly behind me and a very angry looking Niall charge towards me.

“What the fuck is yer problem, mate? We just get Harry to come back with us and you’re are acting like a right prat. What is going on, and don’t bullshit me about some nothing crap either!”

Of course Niall had to notice my down mood. Well it’s his fault. I just didn’t really like the way he was clinging all over Harry. He’s right, we did just get him back, and because we did I want him all to myself. It’s not fair. They may all  be best friends with him but why do they have to get so clingy and touch him so much? He’s mine.

“He’s mine.” I stated quietly and looked down at my feet that I was shuffling against the tiled floor.

“What’d ya say Lou?” he questioned me, the anger in his voice seemingly gone. For now.

“I uh - I said M’ fine. Just leave it. I’ll apologize to Harry if you want. Just let me go back.” I made to turn and walk out of the kitchen but Niall was faster and grabbed hold of my upper arm.

“No Lou, did you say that he’s yours? As in Harry is yours and belongs to you?”

“N-no why would I say that? He’s all of our best mates, he isn’t mine!” I quickly lied to Niall. I mean, of course I said he’s mine but now that he’s questioning me about it I don’t know why I said it, or even thought it for that matter!

“You definitely said that Lou. Why would you- 

Holy shit I was right! Liam and Zayn each owe me 50 quid!”

They what? He was right about what? I’m so confused.

“Niall, what the fuck are you going on about?!” I said in a loud whisper. 

“Oh this is so rich. I was right, I said that you were in love with Harry and I was right! That’s brilliant man. It all makes sense now. You being happy before when you were with him alone. You getting mad and rigid when I hugged your man!”

“My man?! No Niall I do not like Harry like that! He is my best friend. That’s it. Sorry you wont be getting that hundo Nialler.” He laughed a bit and walked over to the fridge pulling out the ingredients to make dinner. I turned to leave the kitchen, our conversation seemed to be finished and I sure as hell didn’t want to stick around after that. I know I love Harry. I’ve already accepted that but I don’t need the others knowing. Especially when I’ve just come to terms with it and Harry would never feel the same. He’s already practically stated to me how much being gay disgusts him.  

“Don’t think you can get away so quickly Tommo, I know the truth. Even if you don’t realise it’s the truth yet, I know you will soon enough. So why don’t you sit your pretty little tush down and we can talk about this, okay?” 

He really was not letting this go, which sucked because I don’t have anything left to retaliate. I admitted defeat and sat down at one of the stools that surrounded the large island. 

“Niall, there is really nothing to talk about. Trust me.”

“Oh yes there is, I’m going to help you admit your feelings to yourself!” he was now standing at the island cutting some vegetable that I couldn’t name. 

“Bro, really there is nothing. Just drop it.” he smirked and looked up at me brushing a piece of his blonde fringe out of his face with his elbow.

“Well if there is nothing then you will have no problem telling me all about the past day since Harry has decided to come home and stay.” he smirked a bit wider and then continued on with his cutting job.

“Fine, just to shut you up and prove I’m right.” his grin widened and he moved to put the vegetables in a hot skillet that was on the stove. He peered over his shoulder at me,

“Alright, so where was Harry?”

“Erm, I don’t know if I can really say. Not my story to tell.” Niall gave me a weird look and then shrugged before proceeding.

“Okay, so you can’t tell me what Harry was doing, but how do you feel about the whole situation? I’m sure it’s effected you most. You guys are closer than the rest of us. Something special there, yeah?”

I though about Niall’s words. Yeah, there was something special between Harry and I. I know that. We’ve always just clicked on a different level than everyone else. He’s Harry and I’m Louis, as corny as it sounds we complete each other. Where he has green eyes I have blue, where he is tall I am short, where he is awkward, quiet, and quirky I’m loud, outgoing, and obnoxious. We just even each other out and because of that it just works. What one of us lacks the other has. 

Some people would think that those qualities would be the reasons for us to not get along but it’s quite the opposite. Instead of our personalities colliding they meld together to complete each other. Our friendship is beautiful and it’s for that reason that I can’t ruin it. I need it too much. 

It’s like taking drugs. Before the drugs your body’s chemicals are in balance and as you do the drugs your body has to accommodate to all of the toxins. It has to work with them and become one so that it can function. So that it can survive. But once you quit, your body doesn’t know what to do. It shuts down and goes through withdrawals because all of a sudden it’s chemical make up is out of place. It tries to go back to the way it was before but it will never be the same because you’ve given it something it never depended on and once it did it got used to it. It thrived off of it and now that it’s gone it’s lost it’s ability to function.

As unhealthy as it sounds Harry is my drug in a sense. I’ve become so accustomed to Harry in my life, balancing me out in so many different ways that I don’t know how to live without him anymore. I can’t simply ruin what we have by telling him that I’m in love with him. I’d rather have my drug and be satisfied than take it away and leave myself with pain and an emptiness that will never be filled without out the familiarity of that once great and comforting thing.

“Ya, we do. Niall, I just.. It hurt okay. It hurt losing him for however short of a time span it was. It hurt a lot. I didn’t know what to do, anyone can see that he is my everything so just leave it. I can’t deal with this right now. I’m sorry.” I stood up but Niall rushed around the island and grabbed me in a bone crushing hug just as I started weeping.

“Oh no you don’t Lou.” he rubbed my back trying to calm me. Thank God for Niall, I know he can be pushy but at the end of the day he just knows. He knows how to help out his best friends and I love him so much for it.

“Ugh I don’t know why I’m crying. I’m sorry.” I sniffled into his shoulder. 

“Of course you do. You’re in love with Harry and you care about him so when he left and you thought he didn’t care about you it hurt. It’s okay to hurt over someone you love, Lou.”

“I’m not in love with him.” I muffled words into Niall’s shoulder and pounded him slightly with my right fist while still hugging him with my other arm.

“Shh Louis. It’s just me, it’s okay to tell me these things. You can’t hide it forever. Look at you.” he chuckled a little and pulled back from our embrace. Jeeze, we are an emotional bunch tonight. 

“But,” Niall cut me off and wiped the tears off my cheeks.

“But nothing Lou, I already know the truth. I can tell just by the way you look at him, or by the look on your face when you think of him. Give it up, you aren’t fooling anyone. Especially not yourself.”

“But Niall you don’t get it! He’s been so distant from me, I know what’s wrong but it seems to run deeper than that! He won’t even get close to me like he used to without getting fidgety or nervous and I don’t know why but I’m breaking! I need him so much and I just, I don’t think he needs me anymore.” my words traveled off into nothing towards the end of my vent. I could feel myself being drained of everything. My body just wanted to shut down. This was all too much. I can’t take all of this emotion anymore.

“Louis, look at me.” Niall grabbed my chin firmly and forced me to look in his eyes.

“I will help you figure this out, but trust me when I say Harry needs you just as much as you need him. If not more. We’ll get down to the bottom of this, but you may have to tell me what happened with Harry in the past little bit.” 

“I can’t tell you that. It really is his story to tell. I wouldn’t even know where to start, and I can’t betray him like that.” Niall looked at me with a wicked grin.

“Well this sounds serious,” the grin dropped from his face and then he looked at me quickly, snapping his head away from wherever he had been looking before.

“I guess we’ll just have to get it out of him, and maybe some other facts that will help you while we’re at it.” 

“And what could you possibly do to get anything out of him, and what do you mean facts that will help me?! I already know what happened!” I gestured my hands wildly trying to get my point across to Niall. I know having the boys in on Harry’s issue could help him, he could use all of their support but I just don’t know how it could benefit me, or how Niall is going to do it.

“Well Lou, I guess we’re just going to have to play a little game.”

~*~

A half hour later we were walking into the dining room carrying the food that mostly Niall had made while I watched and he discussed his plans to make Harry talk.

“So guys I was thinking after dinner we could get ready to go clubbing and then have some pre-drinks. Maybe play a little game?” Niall said as he set down the food in the middle of the table so that everyone could reach.

“Um, what sort of game?” Harry asked as he sat down in a chair that was opposite of where I was right now. I looked at him with an innocent smile on my face before answering.

“Truth or dare.”

~*~

***Harry’s POV***

We had finished up cleaning after dinner and then all made our way to the bathrooms to change into some better club attire and fix our hair if needed. It sounds girly but we had been grubbing around long enough that all of our appearances were stale, and it’s only natural to want to impress when hitting the night life in London.

I took a whole five minutes to change into some black skinny’s and wash my face with some cold water so I decided I would go find Lou and see what he was up to since I hadn’t seen him during the movie and we hadn’t had any alone time since all of the boy’s were at the table with us.

I wandered down the hall to find the other bathroom I knew to be on this level. I knocked hesitantly on the door. Would he be annoyed that I’m being so clingy? 

Just then the door opened and I was met with a shirtless Louis. His tanned skin glowed in the dim lighting of the bathroom and his abs were clearly visible from the shadowing. His tummy was protruding just a little but, something I’ve always found extremely endearing even though he is really self conscious about it. He’s undeniably sexy with the added benefit of being cuddly as well. His body should be a sin. Either that or a miracle sculpted by the heavens. I was pulled out of my thoughts by a low chuckle.

“I know I’m gorgeous, but no need to drool Haz.” Louis winked before turning around and walking towards the sink where the mirror was so he could finish styling his fringe, which I’m glad is back. It reminds me of the old days when things were simpler. His new hair actually made me a bit uneasy, it made me feel like everything was changing, and nothing was consistent. I know hair is something strange to dwell over, but it was a part of who Louis was and when management decided to try to change that aspect of him as well it just unsettled me even more. If they couldn’t even stand his hair the way it was than how would they react to me being gay?

I walked across the large bathroom so that I was standing behind Louis and looking into the mirror. He smiled at me and turned around so that we were face to face and rested his hands behind him on the counter so that the muscles in his chest were prominent. Wow, he is utterly breath taking.

“So, I was thinking -” he got timid and looked at the ground all of a sudden.

“Um, yeah what were you thinking?” I asked him trying to keep my voice from shaking. He wrapped his hands around my waist and pulled us closer. There was no space between us and my body was reacting in ways that I didn’t know how to control.

“Well, it’s just that you’ve sort of been drinking a lot, and like I know you said you were going to try with this whole ordeal and I was just wondering if maybe I didn’t drink tonight, you wouldn’t drink either. It’s just that, you have already been to clubs a lot, and please don’t hate me Haz, you don’t have to do anything I’m saying I just thought that maybe being sober would be easier on you and it would help if I was too -” I cut Louis’ ramblings short by placing my hand over his mouth quickly. I would have preferred to kiss him quiet but that’s something that I can only dream of.

“It’s fine Louis, I won’t drink. You can if you want. It doesn’t matter.” I pulled my hand back off of his mouth so that he could respond to me.

“No, it does matter. I said I would stick by your side and help you out and that’s what I’m going to do. It would be no fun drinking without you anyways so don’t even worry about me.” he plastered a sincere smile on his face and it took all of my will power to only hug him in that moment. Why does he have to be so irresistible, and why does he have to keep doing things like this. I have no chance.

“You’re the best, you know that right Lou?” 

He laughed into my shoulder and then looked up at me with his eyes glistening in the dim lighting of the bathroom. My breath hitched at our proximity. He must have noticed because he awkwardly cleared his throat and stepped out of my arms. As soon as we weren’t touching I missed the way his smaller frame had melded into my taller one so well. I missed the feeling of his warm bare chest against me, and the feeling of his head in the crook of my neck.

“M’sorry, let me just get dressed and I’ll meet you out there with the boys.” he said looking down. I don’t know if the lights were deceiving me or my eyes were but it looked like Louis’ cheeks were dusted with a hint of rose in response to him blushing, but why would he be blushing? We are close to each other all the time, has that much really changed now that I haven’t been around?

I muttered an “Okay” and left to go to the entertainment room of Zayn’s house that was fully decked out with a massive bar which was fully stocked and also a high tech music and lighting system that brought life to the place when Zayn had parties. 

“So erm, Louis and I aren’t going to drink if that’s okay.” 

Zayn gave me a questioning look but Niall leaned over and told him something that I couldn’t make out causing Zayn to just shrug in my direction and reply “Fine, you can shot apple juice.” 

“So why are we playing truth or dare again? I don’t think we’ve done this since the bungalow two and a half years ago.” I took my seat in one of the bean bags that were set up in a circle, obviously for the game.

“I don’t know, just a good way to get us tipsy before we go clubbing. It’s lame showing up sober and this is just a fun way of getting not so sober.” Niall replied to me with a smirk on his face. Odd.

The blonde lad set down two bottles of vodka and a can of apple juice in the middle of the circle along with five shot glasses.

Back when we stayed at my bungalow we had found a way to adjust truth or dare into a drinking game. Basically, if you chicken out you drink and if you do the dare or tell the full truth the person that told you said dare or asked you for said truth takes a drink. Pretty simple.

All of the boys filed in after Niall and took their seats in the bean bag chairs. Louis plopped down next to me which made me smile because obviously that meant he was okay after the bathroom incident. If you could even consider it that.

“Alright, who’s going first?” Liam asked as he sat down.

“I will!” Niall exclaimed a little too excitedly for a nineteen year old. 

“Alright, Harry!” I groaned outwardly knowing that Niall had a knack for this game and since I couldn’t drink it was going to make everything I do just that much more embarrassing or awkward.

“Truth or dare?” 

“dare” I stated knowing that Niall’s truth’s could get me into some trouble.

“Hmph, I dare you to take off your shirt and go put whipped cream on yourself and then have someone of your choice lick it off you.” he said with a devilish smile on his face. 

I can’t take off my shirt though, they’ll see my bruises and scratches and ask questions. I hid my face in my hands and brought my knees up to my chest,

“umm are y-you sure that’s what you want m-me to do?” my voice was shaky, I know when we play this game it gets a bit risqué but I don’t think I can handle telling them anything tonight, and that would for sure bring it up. 

My bean bag dipped beside me and I felt two arms wrap themselves securely around my shoulders, and someone’s hot breath on my ear as they whispered to me, “H what’s wrong? It’s not the big of a deal?”  I turned my head to Louis so that I could whisper back in his ear without the other boys hearing any little bit of our conversation.

“The uh, the bruises. They’ll see them Lou.” I heard the intake of breathe he took as realisation dawned on him.

“Hey, he’ll just take a chicken on that one, yeah?” I heard the grumbles of disappointment but they all let it slide as Niall passed me my shot of apple juice, how lame.

“Bottoms up mate!” I drank the non-alcoholic shot and smiled at the rest of the lads. “thanks guys.”

“Zayn my man, truth or dare?” Zayn looked at me for a second truly contemplating which route would be best and in the end decided truth.

“So, have you ever had a sexual fantasy about anyone in the band?” The smile on his face dropped completely though as I tacked on “And if so, who was it about?” I winked cheekily at him and everyone pointed their stares at Zayn awaiting his answer. He bowed his head blushing a bit and then scrambled out,

“YesIhaveanditwasLiamTruthordareLouis?!” Louis rolled off of my part of the bean bag and fell on the floor in laughter.

“Ah, that was rich mate, you should see the look on your face. Oh and Liam’s face! I can’t even, that is so priceless lads.” sure enough Liam was blushing the colour of the sweater that him and Zayn always share. 

“Well, since I’m the dare master I’ll go with dare. It’s a great opportunity to get my boys drunk.” he winked cheekily at them as I drank my second apple juice shot of the night since Zayn had told us the full truth.

“Alright, I dare you to pick someone in the band to take a body shot off of you!” oh god no, I’m killing Zayn. This can only turn out bad for myself. One way, I have to watch one of the other boys lick salt and alcohol off of Louis, or the other way it has to be me. I can either die of jealousy, or die of embarrassment. 

Just then I was hauled up by my biceps and pulled over to the couch that sat on the side of this room.

“Come on the Curly, time to lick some apple juice off of me.” Louis dragged me by my hand towards the couch and winked over his shoulder. Oh no, oh no, oh no. This is not going to end up well. I’m going to do something obvious and he’s going to know about my feelings for him. Oh God no. This can’t happen.

Louis pulled me into a seated position beside him on the couch while the rest of the boys got the supplies for this little dare.

“M’sorry for dragging you into this, I just really don’t know how comfortable I’d be with one of the other boys’ tongues all over me.” he cast his head down and blushed a little at what he said, as he realised that he implied he’d be fine if it was my tongue. What’s that supposed to mean?

“N-no it’s fine. We are best mates, right?” blue eyes peeked from under caramel fringe as he looked at me a little sheepishly.

“Erm, ya that’s what uh best mates are for.” 

“Alright Louis, lay down on your back on the couch man!” Niall came booming in with the salt, lemon, and apple juice. 

Louis did what was told of him. I went to kneel beside the couch so my face was level with Louis’ abdomen where the shot and salt would be poured.

“Oh no you don’t Harry.” what did Niall want now? This is how you play the game!

“Niall what else do you expect me to do man?”

“Straddle him.” was the only response I got from him, that and a devilish smirk that he was trying to hide. 

“NO! Wh-why can’t I just stay here. It’ll work just the same!” a hand was placed on my shoulder and I looked up to see Louis looking at me with a sympathetic smile. “Just do what he says Harry, it’s only us.”  I sighed and stood up. I carefully placed my right leg over Louis’ body so that it was resting between him and the couch and then straddled him with my other leg. He was looking up at me shyly and I took a deep breath and turned to Niall.

“Just get it over with, yea?” 

“Open wide, Lou” Niall said as he shoved a lemon in Louis’ mouth. He made quick to pour a thin trail of salt from Louis chest to his naval. I inwardly groaned knowing that I would have to use my tongue to get that off of him and strategically thought of ways to not make it seem seductive at all. 

“M’kay Harry. Lick the salt off and when you’re done I’ll pour the juice.” 

I nodded timidly and leaned down so that my face was hovering just above Louis’.

“I’m really sorry.” he just nodded a bit and then I swooped down to start on my work.

I hovered my lips right above his chest unsure of what I was about to do. Louis groaned underneath me causing his body to vibrate. I became all to aware of him between my legs as he shoved my face onto his body with a, “Just get it over with Harry!” I did as I was told and slowly brought my tongue out of my mouth licking between his two pecks, above his abs. The salt was sticking because Niall had stuck it there with some lemon juice.  I groaned realising this may take more work to get off than I had thought.

“Ooo, getting fiesty are we Harry?” I heard Zayn chuckle from the side lines. I just glared at him then bent down to continue my work. I lapped at his skin making my tongue flat so that I could get as much of the salt as possible. Scared of what Louis would think I made sure I didn’t pucker my lips or suck at all. I didn’t want him to think that I was enjoying any of this and I definitely didn’t want to leave any marks. 

His skin tasted salty but sweet as I continued to run my tongue along his toned abdomen. I felt him shutter beneath me and let out a little sound from his throat but decided not to make anything of it, I’m sure it feels weird to have someone licking your body.

I reached his naval area and there was some salt in his belly button. I stopped what I was doing and looked up at him with a questioning gaze and he lifted his head to nod at me telling me that this was okay. I readjusted my body on his so that I could bend to reach that part of him and bit back on my lip as our crotches brushed together. I willed the tightening in my jeans to go away as I leaned down and plunged my tongue into his belly button and lapped at the skin there, sucking to get all of the salt out. Louis keened underneath me and then made fast to yell at Niall. 

“Just pour the god damned juice Niall!” I pulled away feeling bad, he was clearly really uncomfortable with this. 

“Okay, so all of the juice Harry, don’t let any drip away. GO!” he poured the juice into Louis’ belly button and I quickly swooped town to catch it with my tongue. I puckered my lips as it was the only way to suck the juice out and then ran my tongue along his abs to collect the juice that had managed to make it’s way there. Just as I hovered up to take the lemon out of his mouth I felt more than heard Louis clear his throat beneath me.

“You um, you sort of missed some juice.” he said shyly and looked down at his chest before looking up at me. I was straddling him but in a sitting position so I watched as his eyes travelled to what he was talking about. Sure enough just below his belly button and above his trouser line there was some liquid that I had missed. 

“You uh, don’t have to do that. We can just take the chicken.” I shook my head at him. We had already come this far, we may as well have the satisfactory knowledge that the boys will have bad hangovers tomorrow morning. 

Louis bent his knees behind me and I rocked back a little so I was almost sitting on them to give me access to his.. Lower region.

I sighed and arched my back leaning down yet again. I slipped my tongue wet and hot over the expanse of skin there quickly and took one deep inhale before I pushed my tongue just a little bit further down right above his boxers. I felt the muscles in his stomach constrict under my tongue but I let it go and sucked up the rest of the juice. 

I leaned up and forward so that I was face to face with Louis and then placed a hand on each side of his head. He had the lemon between his plump lips and his eyes were blown wide. He looked like a deer caught in headlights as I leaned in more so I could get the lemon. “I’m sorry” I whispered for only him to hear as I took the lemon out of his lips with my teeth making sure I didn’t touch our lips together.

With the lemon in my mouth I climbed off of Louis’ frozen body and stood in front of the couch. I readjusted my jeans because they had fallen down slightly when I was on top of Lou.

“Well, bottoms up guys.” I spit out the lemon and tossed the bottle of vodka to the three boys that stood in shock, still all looking at Louis.

“Wow man,” Niall clapped his hand on my back. 

“I really didn’t think either of you had it in ya, this is for you!” he clinked his shot glass with Zayn’s and Liam’s and then tipped his head back to drink the alcohol. 

“Ya guys, I knew you were close but that had to be hard.” Zayn put in and walked over to the couch to give Lou a hand with getting up.  Louis just stood and hurriedly threw his shirt back on while facing away from us. I groaned at how awkward everything felt now and went to sit back down on the bean bag chairs. 

Everyone followed but this time Louis sat two seats away from me instead of where he had sat beside me before. 

***Louis’ POV***

Maybe giving Harry some space after something like that would be best. It was pretty intimate and I am a guy so I’m sure he could use this. 

My abdomen still tingles from the sensation his tongue had brought to me. It took everything in my power not to moan and whimper as his tongue slid so closely to where I needed him most. Those probably weren’t the most appropriate things to think when our three best friends were in the room but it was hard not to when Harry didn’t even realise his arse pushing into my crotch whenever he moved down to lap the salt or juice off of my skin. I really need to stop thinking these things before I make this any more awkward than I already have. I should have just picked one of the other boys. At least I know the feelings are only platonic there. Plus they all only like girls so it would mean nothing for them to do that. Ugh I’m such an idiot, I shouldn’t have chosen Harry.

“So Liam, truth or dare?” I shook my head and fixed my fringe then turned to look at my victim. 

“Truth.” he stated bluntly.

“Ugh you’re no fun man. How does Zayn having a sexual fantasy about you two together make you feel?” I waggled my eyebrows at him and added a little “ooooooo” when he blushed and turned away from me.

“You can’t help what you dream, it’s fine.” he looked at Zayn briefly and a smile tugged on both of their lips. I dropped my gaze and looked at the floor, the moment seemed private between the two and I didn’t want to intrude. 

“Harry, truth or dare? Pick wisely my friend.” Liam winked to where Harry was sitting and I looked up to see that he was slightly curled in on himself with his knees pulled tight to his chest. A habit that he has picked up lately when he is upset or scared. My heart dropped knowing that I was the one to make him that way. If I hadn’t been so stupid he would be fine right now.

“Truth.” he muttered barely audible as he picked at the hem on his skinny’s.

“You know dear Harold, I don’t think I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing your first kiss story.” Liam said a bit teasingly. Harry shifted in his bean bag so that he was looking up at all of us. He bit his lip and looked at me with pleading eyes, which I didn’t understand. Why would he be nervous about such a juvenile question? We’ve all had our awkward first kiss stories out in the open before.

“I erm, well..” he shifted again in his seat and pulled his knees even closer to himself. He let his head drop quickly and muffled into his jeans. 

“I haven’t had my first kiss.” he mumbled so I must have heard him wrong. Liam gasped beside me.

“Did you say that you’ve never -”

“I said I’ve never had my first kiss okay?!” Harry looked up from his hiding spot and looked around at all of us. Each one wearing a similar expression. 

“Ugh, I pecked a girl on the lips when I was like 11 but I’ve never properly kissed or snogged someone. It’s just always felt wrong and I don’t know why so just drop it guys. Okay?” I stared at him in confusion, but just the other night he told me he slept with so many people? 

“You aren’t a virgin though?” I asked shyly.

A look of anger and pain spread across Harry’s face as he towered over all of us when he stood up from his spot.

“Yea, I’m a slut I get it! I’ve slept with dozens of people and never sucked their faces off! Are you happy? Does that answer all of your questions now?!” he screamed as he stormed out of the room.

“I didn’t know guys, I’m sorry.” Liam whimpered from his spot, he looked like a kicked puppy.

“No Liam, it isn’t your fault. How were you supposed to know such a simple question would cause such a heated response? I’ll go check on him. You guys call a cab, yeah?” they all mumbled their agreements and I rushed out of the room to go find Harry.

I stopped at the bathroom in this hall and knocked, when I received no response I jiggled the handle to find that it was open. I walked inside but found that the room was empty so I marched back out into the hall and slammed the door behind me. 

I tip toed down the hall listening for anything that would direct me to my best friend. 

“Harry, come on man. Where are you?” Just as I walked past the laundry room I heard a broken sob from the other side and rushed back, barging in without even knocking this time. There in the corner sat Harry, curled up in a ball looking so tiny.

“Aw Hazza, what’s going on with you?” I cooed and made my way over to sit beside him. When he didn’t flinch away from me I wrapped my arms around his hunched frame and pulled him tight into my chest.

“I’m such a fuck up Lou. You hate me because I’m gay. I made you feel uncomfortable and now all the boys hate me because I’m a slut. I can’t do anything right. I haven’t even kissed anyone yet and I still manage to be a - a whore!” his body crumbled even more as sobs wracked through him. I held onto him tighter in hopes of his shaking to calm down.

“Harry, you aren’t a whore. You are an awesome person, I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to tell you that but I won’t stop until you believe me, and so what if you haven’t kissed someone? That’s your choice Harry!” he peered up at me through glassy eyes and my heart broke for him. He’s so beautiful and he doesn’t even recognize it. 

“But it’s because I’m a whore Louis! That’s why I haven’t kissed anyone! If I wasn’t gay I’d be normal. Everything would be better!”

“Woah, calm down hun. How would being a whore make you not kiss someone. Doesn’t being a whore imply the exact opposite, love?” he shook his head and buried it into my shoulder.

“No, because kissing is something people like. If I let the people that have sex with me kiss me then I might like it, and that couldn’t happen because I didn’t want to like it! I wanted to hate it! So I fucked dozens of people and didn’t snog them because I need to feel unloved, and unworthy. Which wasn’t hard because I’m me, so why would anyone want to make me feel good anyways?” his sobs were calming down as he let everything he’s been bottling up spill out.

“Harry, you are worth everything and more. You deserve to love, and to be loved. You deserve someone that will cuddle up with you all night, you deserve someone that will remind you just how precious you are to them every day. You deserve someone that sees you as perfect in their eyes because that’s what you are. You deserve someone that would never sell you short. You deserve everything great in the world Harry and don’t think otherwise. We’ll find you that person, and when you have your first kiss it will mean something like it’s supposed to. Okay?” I shook him a little bit so that he would know to answer me, but I also hoped that he didn’t catch on to everything I want him to have is me.

“For you, I’ll agree.” was all he said. It wasn’t him believing that he is better than a dirty painful one night stand but it was something.

***Harry’s POV***

“As long as you’re trying. That’s all I want for you. Now let’s get you cleaned up and head out okay?” I grunted into his shoulder, “can you just sit here and hold me for a little while?” I asked him shyly afraid he would want to leave me. “For you, anything.” was all he said as he wrapped his arms even tighter around me.

My heart grew knowing that he wanted to be with me. Maybe we were okay after all and maybe as I sat here with his arms wrapped around me I realised that if I couldn’t fall out of love it was okay, because at least I had fallen for him.

But just maybe.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts. 
> 
> Not just any thoughts though, no, the only thoughts occupying the mind of Louis Tomlinson were thoughts filled with images of green eyes, brown curly hair, porcelain skin, and a laugh so melodic that it takes your universe, shatters it and rearranges it into something more beautiful than it was before at the mere sound of it.
> 
> Thoughts, that kept Louis up at night while the person that was occupying them was becoming more distant and changing into someone that no one even knew anymore. 
> 
> Too bad those thoughts were as unimportant as the next, because while Louis Tomlinson pined over his best friend, Harry was slowly slipping through his fingers, because thoughts don’t get your best friend back to who he was before, actions do. Actions that Louis Tomlinson couldn’t find within himself, until now.

After my little spell Lou and I had sat for a little longer just listening to the sound of each other breathing while I calmed down. The best part about Louis is that he knows how to calm me down no matter the situation. He knows if I need quiet, he knows if I need to be touched or if I just need to hear someone else’s voice. He’s perfect for me, as a best friend, or maybe even more. He just knows and that’s why I love him. We don’t always need words because we connect on a deeper level than that. We can feel each other’s emotions and it makes us that much closer. It makes me fall that much harder.

Now sitting in the club I’m about to scratch my skin off I’m so bored. Louis and I had made that pact not to drink and I’m not really interested in anyone here, at least not tonight or after I had just spent the past half hour in Louis’ arms while he drew circles into my bicep.

Niall was out in the crowd drunk and chatting up anyone he set eyes on while Zayn and Liam sat closely together whispering things into each other’s ears over the music, while sipping on some alcoholic drink that is sure to have them smashed in no time. I had lost Louis not long after we stepped foot into the club and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the slightest irritated since it had been his idea that we don’t drink. I thought that maybe he would have at least stayed with me for a little while to keep me company.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and look back from my spot at the bar to see a girl with long blonde hair in a skimpy laced thigh long dress standing behind me.

She traced her skinny fingers along my collarbone and looked at me with what I was assuming to be her best seduction techniques in her drunken stupor. I didn’t like the way her fingers were so small and how soft and dainty they were while trailing along the outline of my 17BLACK tattoo.

I coughed, “U-uhm did you erm, need something?” I said awkwardly, I’m so shy when it comes to girls, maybe that’s why I’m gay. It’s just easier to talk to guys and be around them, that’s why I’ve never understood my whole womanizing image. I can’t even talk to girls let alone seduce them.

“Well,” she said tracing her fingers up and down my bicep now. I cringed at that since Louis had been doing something very similar to me not long ago, and I realized I liked it much more when it was his hands on me and his smell smothering my senses.

“Wanna dance babe? Someone as handsome as you shouldn’t be sitting all alone at the bar.” She purred into my ear. I coughed again and moved my head backwards prepared to turn her down when I caught sight of Louis grinding heatedly with some other guy on the dance floor. Louis had his back pressed to this guy’s chest as he grinded his ass into the sweaty man’s crotch. The guy was slightly taller than Louis, probably about my height. He had his hands wrapped around Louis’ waist and was leaning down to whisper in Louis’ ear. My stomach twisted at the thought of this random guy being able to feel  _my_ Louis under his fingertips. I was about to storm over there and tear them apart when I remembered that I have no claim over Louis. He can do what he wants. He doesn’t like me that way and he doesn’t know that I’m in love with him so I might as well try to enjoy tonight as much as I can.

“Ehm, sure. Okay.” I stood from the barstool and took the girl’s hand in mine as I led her to the dance floor. I don’t like girls but it would be nice to have a body pressed against mine right now, especially when I was feeling so lonely and rejected. Louis clearly likes being with other men more than he likes to spend time with his best friend.

I positioned us so that I still had a clear view of Louis and so that the girl’s back was to me. It would be easier to dance with her if I couldn’t see her feminine features or feel her chest pressed up against me. I lightly placed my hands on her waist and rocked slowly behind her trying my hardest not to allow her to grind into me. She leaned her head back on my shoulder and giggled while pulling my hands further around her.

“Come on, don’t be a stranger” she slurred while moving my hands lower, I could feel her trying to bring my hands to the bottom of her dress, and her arse grinding hard into my crotch when all of a sudden her body was being jerked forwards.

“Hey what was that for!?” she looked confusedly at me.

“I- uh that wasn’t me!” I tripped over my words because seriously, what the hell? She giggled drunkenly and then tossed her hair, “Oh well then let’s continue” she advanced towards me when a hand shot in front of her stopping her from moving closer.

“Oh no, don’t worry, hun. That was me pushing you away from that boy over there. Now if you could graciously leave that would be lovely.”

Louis.

He stood with his right hand on his hip and his left still up and blocking the girl from getting any closer to me.

“Uhm, I don’t know who you are, but we were having a good time so I think it’s you that should be leaving.” She snapped sassily at Louis. He chuckled coldly and then actually physically guided her away from me. As he was leaving I could hear him saying, “Trust me babe, he was not having a good time, at least not with you.” At that she huffed and stormed away like some little brat.

I laughed at the whole exchange but stopped when I saw Louis walking back towards me.

“So what was that all about, Haz?” I shifted awkwardly from foot to foot not totally meeting his gaze.

“All you boys were having a good time so I thought I should have a good time too.” Louis stepped forward slightly and his skin was glistening under the strobe lights of the club. His skin was slick with a sheen of sweat but it only made him more gorgeous. His hair was feathered in the fringe that I love so much on him and his eyes were bright blue, literally shining under the lights.

“I asked you a question, Haz” I shook myself out of my trance and paid attention to what Louis was saying.

“Umm, sorry what did you say?”

“I said,” Louis stepped forward and placed his hand on my chest above my heart. A shiver ran through my body at his touch. He moved even closer and I could feel the heat radiating off of his body as he spoke.

“You’re gay hazzabear, you like boys.” He slowly trailed his hand up my chest and over my neck, wrapping his fingers around the side of it and playing with the hair by my ear. I groaned and shifted on the spot. Damn, that felt good. One step closer though and I may collapse on the spot.

“I don’t see uh, why that matters L-Lou” he giggled, most likely at my shaky response and then shifted just that little bit closer. He slid his chest next to mine so that our bodies were lightly pressed together. There was no doubt he could probably feel my heart beating against his chest.

“Well, it matters because you don’t like girls. So why dance with one? That’s hardly any fun, now is it?” He was breathing against my ear and had now moved his other hand to the back of my head so he could twine his fingers in the soft curls at the nape of my neck.

“Louis, you know how I feel. All the other guys were busy too so it was my only option really.” As I said those words he slipped his right leg between both of mine, making us slip impossibly closer and tugged my head down so that he didn’t have to reach up to whisper in my ear. My body felt like it was on fire as he started to sway back and worth to the music.

“You could have found me, Haz” he whispered wetly into my ear. I nearly moaned at how his voice was so hot and rough and how it was effecting my body and emotions.

I mustered up all of my strength just to answer him.

“Yeah, well you were having a good time with some guy. Didn’t think you’d care to sit with me.”

“Hmm,” he hummed in my ear and moved his right hand down from my neck. He trailed his hand lightly but with purpose down the side of my bicep and then placed it on my ribs. His hand was large enough to be splayed over a good portion of my side and it had my senses tingling. Why was he acting like this?

“Well, maybe I wouldn’t have cared to  _sit_  with you, but this doesn’t seem so bad.” Louis drifts his hand down my ribs and behind my back reaching just where my trousers met my shirt. I wiggle in his arms feeling slightly uncomfortable while being in such an intimate position with him, and not knowing what to do. Isn’t he creeped out by all of this?

“Lou, what are you doing?” he laughs lowly and leans his forehead on my shoulder before he turns it just enough to whisper, “Shut up and just let me make this feel right for you, yeah?” my breath hitches at this.

“H-Have you been drinking Lou?” I question, because why else would he openly be acting like this to me?

“Not at all, but I want to show what it’s like to be with a guy and not in a bad way. Now just relax, can you do that for me, babe?” I nod my head because I couldn’t find the words to say anything as his other hand came to rest on the small of my back, I could feel his touch burning through his shirt as he played with the hem of my shirt. His fingers were brushing lightly along the skin of my lower back.

The club was vibrating as the song switched to S&M by Rihanna. I felt the change in Louis as he gripped me tighter to his body and started rocking us to the music.

“Turn around, love.” I obeyed and turned so my back was to his chest. It wasn’t even awkward since he’s slightly shorter than me. It felt good to be in his arms like this.

He grabbed me by the hips and pulled me back into him with force. I could feel his hot breath on my neck as he started to roll his hips into me.

“Come on Haz, work with me here.”

“I um, I don’t really know what you want me to do” I said quietly. I was embarrassed but I had never been in this position before.

“Then follow my lead, okay” he rolled his hips in slow circles behind me so that his crotch was being pushed hard into my ass. I tried to keep my breath even when I felt his hands massage forward on my hips until he reached the two front belt loops of my trousers. He hooked his thumbs in the loops there and splayed his hands along the upper part of my legs. I felt the muscles in my stomach constrict because of how close his fingers were to my area now. I tried to keep my mind on the music, which proved to help even less because it made me realise that his body was moving along with mine filthily to the song. 

“Is this okay?” he growled into my ear. His voice was thick with something and I didn’t know what but God was it hot. I moaned a little at the sound, and hoped he didn’t hear it.

I tilted my head back onto his shoulder and just nodded a little enjoying the way his body was hot against mine. I closed my eyes getting lost in the feel and started to rock along with him. I felt him slip his leg between mine and his thigh brushed mine with every rock of our bodies, setting my body on fire with every movement.

He moved his hands from where they were rested on my pelvis and it took everything in me not to whine at the loss of contact.

“Can I touch you more, Haz?” I almost didn’t hear what he had said because I was so far gone at this point. Everything was Louis and I wasn’t complaining.

“Mmmyeah, do what you want” he took that as his queue because in the next second his hands were against my lower abs. He rubbed my abdomen with the tips of his fingers and moved his hands up my torso painfully slow.

A moan really did escape my lips when his fingers brushed past my right nipple. He made a small noise behind me and then asked, “Did I do something wrong?”

I looked down embarrassed when I realized he had heard me.

“No, it’s just, no” he didn’t say anything but he stayed so that his arms were under mine and his hands were splayed on my chest, covering as much area as possible. He stilled behind me and stopped grinding. I worried for a second wondering if he was going to stop this for good or if he was turned off by me now. Then I heard him take a sharp breath and exhale a little “Oh.”

With that he pulled me even closer to him and I felt him drop a little behind me and roll up sensually into my body the way he was grinding against me felt so good that I had to remind myself that this in fact was Louis.

“So you liked that, didn’t you” he moaned lowly into my neck and then pinched my nipple just a little bit.

“God Lou, just let me turn around will you” I covered the moan that was threatening in my throat as he mixed his grinding with the light caresses he was placing my nipple. I was getting too turned on and this wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t be able to face Louis ever again if he got me riled up and didn’t like me that way.

“What, I thought you were okay with this. I mean, it’s totally fine if you’re not but –“

“No Lou, it’s fine. I’m –“ I stopped speaking when he trailed his hand up my chest further and put his hands on my neck. He pushed me forward slightly and then pulled me by my right arm so that I came crashing back into him but this time face to face and chest to chest. He rested his forehead against mine and then placed one hand in my curls knowing that it was my weakness.

“It’s okay H. I just want you to know that this kind of thing is okay for you, yeah? Let’s take it slow. You can lead if you want.” I nodded against his forehead and then stepped back slightly. “What’s wrong?” he questioned looking rejected. I stayed where I was because I had to know. “Why are you doing this, Isn’t it weird for you?” I looked at the floor ashamed, because he’s Louis and I’m me and why would he want to be dancing with me when there are hundreds of other people in this very club that he could be with?

My head raised as he gripped my chin and made me look him in the eyes.

“Is it weird for you because it’s me?” he asked.

I thought about it for a second. Did this feel weird? No. It didn’t feel weird. It actually felt right and that’s what scares me. I know what it feels like to be this close to him now and I like it, but what does this mean for him? Will this ruin what we have now? I can’t have that, we just got close again.

“No, it doesn’t.” he smiled brightly at me and then pulled me into a tight hug.

“Then don’t think about it. If it doesn’t bother me and it doesn’t bother you then just let it happen. I want you to feel good Haz. You’re my best friend and I would do anything for you.”

“Yeah, best friends.” I sighed but tried to keep my face blank so that he didn’t know how much my heart sank when he said that. Best friends was all we will ever be. He would never fall for me, I’m such a fuck up. He deserves someone that is his equal. Not someone that he always has to baby. I tensed up just at the thought of him finding someone else.

“Hey, calm down. It’s just me right? Focus on me.” He moved his hands down my arms and twined our fingers at the bottom.

“One day, you’ll be okay with all of this. I know it and I have faith in you. Don’t worry about right now, don’t worry at all okay. Let’s just head home. We can cuddle and watch a movie. Sound good?”

I smiled at Louis. He never fails to make me feel better. He doesn’t even have to know what’s going on in my head.

“Yeah, sounds good.”

 ~*~

**Louis’ POV**

Harry and I made our way back to our flat. I’m sort of glad he stopped things in the club because I’m not sure how much longer I would have been able to be that close to him without getting turned on. The way his body felt against mine was so amazing. Everything felt so right. The way my head could rest on his shoulder and the feel of his slim and muscular body under my fingers was like a little piece of Heaven.

Being that close to Harry and having him not run away made me crave him even more though. Now that I know what it’s like to have him in my arms under such .. arousing.. circumstances all I want is more, but he’s not ready. For one, because he still isn’t fully excepting his sexuality even though he is trying, but I also don’t think he’s ready to admit that he can fall in love. I know we have a unique relationship, but on top of everything I don’t think he could ever fall in love with me.

I haven’t had a real relationship in over 2 years and I know it has something to do with who I am. I’m too quirky and loud for people to handle. Luckily Harry and I get along because he actually doesn’t mind me being a bit crazy, however I don’t think he would ever see me as more than that. He even clarified me calling us best friends in the club. It was stupid of me to think that now that I know Harry is gay he would be in love with me. I’m not much to love.

“Hey Lou, are you going to open the door or?”

Oh, I must have zoned out there. I pushed the key forward a bit more and unlocked the door to our place. Harry walked in after me and flicked the lights on as I kicked off my shoes. I took my jacket off and threw it across the room so that it landed on a chair in our entry way.

“Babe, you’re awful. Why don’t I pick up  _your_ jacket and you go make some tea, yeah?”

“But HAAAAAAAZZZZZZZAAAAAA you make tea so much better than I do,” I whined and made my best pouty face as I walked over to Harry. I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind and rested my head on his shoulder.

“pleeeeease” I leaned forward and placed my lips gently on his cheek, I pulled back smiling a smile I know that he can’t resist.

“Ugh fine, Louis. Why don’t I make you tea AND pick up your jacket?”

“that sounds like a perfect plan hazza dearest!” I said cheekily and moved back so that he could hang up our jackets. Just as he was walking away to go to the kitchen I leaped on his back and wrapped my arms and legs firmly around his longs body. I craned my neck so that I could see his face. He was smiling brightly and making little giggling noises. How cute.

“You know in order for me to make the tea you have to get off of me, right?”

I held on to him tighter and shook my head back and forth.

“Nope” I said popping the “p”

“I’m a monkeeey, carry me Hazza!” I wiggled about on his back until I felt him sigh beneath me.

“Fine Lou, it’s a good thing I love you!” I smiled even brighter and buried my cheek into the back of his hair. “Well then, I guess it’s a good thing I love you too.”

 ~*~

When we got into our kitchen Harry backed up into a counter so that my butt was hovering just above it and then he un-wrapped my legs from his waist so that he could go make us some tea. I watched from my perch as he stumbled around the kitchen getting everything. He finally walked over and handed me the hot drink.

“Your cuppa, my dear” he said grinning madly

“Why thank you, my lovely Hazza.” I mocked, mimicking his slow posh accent.

“You’re crazy, you know that?” he grabbed for my hand and helped me jump off of the counter I had been sitting on. He entwined our fingers and then led us to the living room to watch a movie.

I gave his fingers a squeeze, “Maybe, but that’s one of the reasons you love me so much” he squeezed my hand back and then dropped it so he could make his way over to our movie cabinet.

“I s’pose, so what movie are you thinking?” he says while rummaging through the bottom shelf of the cabinet. I admire the fine lines of his back as he bends over and the way his muscles ripple under his shirt when he moves his arms to pick up different movies.

“Hey boo,” Harry turns to look over his shoulder. “How about PS I Love You?”

“OH YEAH! I love that one, Gerard Butler is dreamy.” I throw a wink Harry’s way and he lets out a loud bellow and then clamps his hand over his mouth to stop the sound. I’ve never understood why he does that. I love the sound of his laugh. It never fails to make me smile.

“You’re such a girl Lou. I don’t blame the fangirls for what they say.”

I gasp in mock horror, “What do they say?!” this time he winks before he moves to put the movie in the DVD player. “Oh, nothing to worry your pretty little face about, buttercup.” I laugh at his nickname but can’t help the, “you’re face is prettier” that slips out of my mouth.

“Nahh, you are much more beautiful than me. Now shush and watch the movie.”

I open the blanket up that I had placed on my lap and let Harry climb in next to me, he grabs our cuppas from the coffee table and hands mine to me.

“Thanks” I murmur and snuggle into his side.

 ~*~

Half way through the movie I start thinking. I know Harry and I aren’t in a relationship, but we are very close. I can’t imagine what I would do without him. If harry died I think.., well I don’t know what to think. I wouldn’t know how to function. He’s such a huge asset in my life. He fits in so seamlessly and endlessly. Our lives really have intertwined and become one. I’m not sure what I would do if anything ever happened to him. I feel a lump build in my throat at the thought of having to wake up every day and have to go through all the actions of life while fighting off the loneliness that I would be feeling without Harry.

I can’t imagine walking into the kitchen and not hearing the sound of him humming as he makes us breakfast, or as he sits at his laptop. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have no one to go to in the middle of the night when I just need to feel safe and protected.

I just – I can’t imagine a life where my only true source of happiness wasn’t present.

I must have been crying because Harry pauses the film and leans over to take the cup of tea out of my hands before wrapping me in a warm embrace.

“Hey hey now, shh. What’s wrong, babe?” he coos as he brushes my limp hair out of my eyes. He places his hand on my cheek and guides my eyes to his. “S’nothing, just thinking, and the movie is really sad.”

“Aww, c’mere” he holds me even tighter and rests his chin on the top of my head.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks quietly. Should I tell him what I was thinking? I figure yes, because I want him to know how much he means to me. I want him to know how happy I am that he is safe and is with me, so that he doesn’t leave me again.

“Actually, yeah. I do. I just want you to listen okay?” he looks at me funny but then nods his head.

I grab both of his hands in mine, his are so much bigger so I just lend up placing mine on top, hoping he’ll understand my gesture. He chuckles sort of lowly before flipping his hands over and slotting our fingers together perfectly, while rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand.

“Go ahead, boo. I’m all yours.” I look down and smile to myself knowingly. If only he really was all mine.

“I was crying because well, I just. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I was thinking about how sad I would be if I didn’t have you in my life and then I started to think about what sort of things I would miss about you. It’s really stupid, and they may seem like dumb things to miss but I’d miss how you hum a tune when you’re happy, or to calm yourself down. I’d miss how clingy you get when it’s just us. I’d miss going to sleep next to you and having your breathing calming me down during a storm or when management has gotten me worked up. I’d just miss your presence. I’d miss knowing that you were just.. there. I think I take you for granted because you are always here, or were always here.” His face crumples a bit as I say that last bit. He wipes a stray tear from my face and I sigh shakily.

“I want you to know, that you do mean the world to me Haz and I don’t know what I would ever do without you because I don’t think of us as two people anymore, I think of you as a part of me and it really hurt me, no it  _killed_ me when you spent all that time away from the boys and I. But above all of that I just want you to know how happy I am that you’re safe. I may get upset about you drinking a lot, or partying a lot but that’s just because I don’t have any control over whatever happens to you and it scares me to think that I may not always be able to fix you. So please, don’t ever leave me.”

My body was wracking with sobs and my hands would be shaking if it weren’t for Harry still holding on to them and my shoulders were slumped as I let the sobbing continue.

I paused everything when a body came crashing into mine so that I was forced to be lying on my back on the couch. Harry had me pinned down and was peppering my cheeks with kisses.

“Stop crying, please Lou.” Harry reached his neck up so that he could look me in the eyes.

“I didn’t know that you cared that much. I guess I’ve always known that you cared for me but just not that much, and I want you to know I care about you that much too. You are as much a part of me as I am a part of me and even if one day you aren’t here, that feeling will remain. So please Lou, don’t cry, because when you’re upset I’m upset and I think we’ve had enough of that!”

I sniffle and nod my head into Harry’s shoulder while returning his hug.

“Yeah, okay. Love you Haz.” He leans down and kisses my temple one more time before shifting us so that we are back in a seating position but this time I’m under his arm and completely curled into his side. My hand spreads out across his abdomen and is playing with the hem of his shirt as he presses play on the movie and twirls his fingers through my hair. I smile up at him and then something crosses my mind.

“Are um, are your injuries healing okay?” he sighs and looks down at me.

“Some better than others, but nothing is too bad.” I play more with the side of his shirt, “can I take a look?” I say. He just nods and I skim my fingers along the part of his skin where his shirt has ridden up.

“Can you take off your shirt for me?” he shyly nods and then takes his arm from around me and tugs up his shirt over his head.

I gasp as I see the yellowing bruises, “Christ Haz, they really did a number on you!”

“Erm, yeah I know. It kind of got far that time.” I trail my fingers lightly over the healing bruises and look up at him to see that he’s already looking at me with an emotion I can’t name.

“Are you in any pain still?” I question out of pure curiosity and maybe also because I would jump up in a heartbeat to get him anything he needed for the injuries.

“Umm, the bruises and cuts don’t really hurt anymore but my back and umm, bum because of - “ I place my hand over his mouth to stop him.

“You don’t have to talk about that if it makes you uncomfortable. Do you need any painkillers or anything?” he shakes his head and then pulls me into a hug. “no but, just sit here and cuddle with me, okay?” I quietly say yes and lean up to kiss his cheek and then bend down a little to leave a small kiss on one of the bruises on his chest before cuddling back into him.

He returns his arm around me and we continue watching the movie.

 ~*~

When the movie finishes we make our way upstairs to our designated bedrooms and Harry pulls me into a tight hug before I can even get a hand on my door.

“And what is this for?” I question into his shoulder since he has my head pinned down by his large hand. “I just wanted to say thank you, for everything. You’ve been really incredible with all of this and just, thank you. Even with tonight in the club.”

I forced my head back so that I could look at him. He is about a head taller than me so I have to look up because we are so close that my face is under his.

“That was nothing Harry; I just want you to get comfortable with yourself. I hope that’s okay.”

“Ya, it’s okay. Like you said, it was nothing.” He sounded a bit upset saying that but I know the whole topic of his sexuality still bothers him.

“Alright, Love. I’m heading to bed. We have a busy week coming up. We need to get those promos done and then we are going to your place, which I still have to tell management about. So go get some sleep. You are going to need it.” I lean up on my tippy toes so I can wrap my arms all the way around his shoulders in one last hug before bed.

“Love you, g’night.” I say through a yawn as I head for my bedroom.

Just as I close my door I hear a quite, “Love you too” and I get into bed with a smile on my face.

Maybe one day things like the club won’t have to be nothings.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts. 
> 
> Not just any thoughts though, no, the only thoughts occupying the mind of Louis Tomlinson were thoughts filled with images of green eyes, brown curly hair, porcelain skin, and a laugh so melodic that it takes your universe, shatters it and rearranges it into something more beautiful than it was before at the mere sound of it.
> 
> Thoughts, that kept Louis up at night while the person that was occupying them was becoming more distant and changing into someone that no one even knew anymore. 
> 
> Too bad those thoughts were as unimportant as the next, because while Louis Tomlinson pined over his best friend, Harry was slowly slipping through his fingers, because thoughts don’t get your best friend back to who he was before, actions do. Actions that Louis Tomlinson couldn’t find within himself, until now.

“Harry, hurry your lazy arse up or I’m leaving to go see your family without you!” I shouted from where I was placing our bags in the back of the range rover.  In the time that Harry had managed to crawl out of bed, shower, and get dressed I had already done all of the above, cleaned around the flat AND gotten our remaining things packed. I genuinely don’t know what has him taking so long. I huffed and then slammed the back door of the rover shut before storming inside. I put on my best “I’m not fucking around face” and made way to find Harry.

“Harry, where are ya mate?” I yelled up the stairs.

“Erm, just in my room Lou. I’ll be down in a few minutes” I grunted and stomped my foot, sure it sounds a bit childish but I am the one driving to Holmes-Chapel for Harry, the least he could do is be on time so that we aren’t getting there in the dark.

Eager to get the hell out of here I jogged up the stairs taking them two at a time, “I swear Harry,” I said sternly as I placed my hand on the handle of his door, “If I seriously have to come after you I wi-“

I cut myself off and ran to pull a distraught looking Harry in my arms.

“Hazza, babe. What’s going on? Aren’t you happy to be seeing your mom?” Harry wiggled in my arms a bit so that his face was buried in the crook of my neck and both of his hands fisted my t-shirt. Ever since the whole incident (as we like to call it) had occurred Harry has been much more vulnerable around me.

He isn’t as scared to be open or to show his emotions, however, I still don’t see how he truly is unless I catch him in the act.

I can’t ask for much more though, at least he’s with me and not out drinking and lashing out his emotions by getting wasted and aiming for a random fuck.

I much prefer him warm and in my arms even if he is soaking my t-shirt with his tears. I said I would be here for him no matter what that entailed, and it just so happens that he’s been having a lot of emotional break downs lately. He doesn’t necessarily tell me exactly what’s wrong, why he’s crying at the time, or what triggered his mood to drop suddenly, but he does let me hold him until all that’s left are dry tear-stained cheeks, and my promises to continue to stay with him.

He whimpered slightly in my arms before shoving his face harder into my neck, something he did when he was embarrassed.

“C’mon H, what’s got you like this? Why have you been such a wreck these past few days?” I rubbed circles into Harry’s now healed hip bones. After days of me having to force medicated cream onto him so that the healing process would be faster most of his skin is now blemish and injury free, save some of the deeper scratches that were on his back.

“I just, what am I going to say to my mom? What if she asks why we are coming down all of a sudden?” Ah, so that’s what’s upsetting him.

“Harry you are always worried about what other people are going to think, this is your family we are talking about, and if your mum does ask than you can do one of two things,” he rubbed his face on the neck of my shirt and then looked up at me. His eyes were much greener since he had been crying. I’m not quite sure how one can manage to look stunning even with blood shot eyes and dampened cheeks but he finds a way. His eyes don’t just sparkle it’s like they are always on fire, a flame always flickering in them. It hurt when he would come home during that dark period and the flame was completely lost from his eyes.

That flame was dwindling earlier on in the week, but the more time I spend reassuring him that he is loved and can do no wrong the more the flame returns. It is taking time, but working to return that flame back to his beautiful eyes is more than worth it.

Those same green eyes continued to look at me, I could see the fire trying to burn there but beyond that he was still lost. Still confused.

I cleared my throat and continued to speak, realizing that Harry was not going to question me but rather wait for my explanation.

“You could take the easy way out and lie, say that you just wanted a visit. I mean your mom is hosting that Ball as a fundraiser. You could always just say you wanted to be there to help her out or you could, you know, tell the truth?” my voice trailed off as if I was asking a question rather than stating a fact.

I felt Harry tense under me a bit and saw that he had squeezed his eyes shut.

“No Lou,” he shook his head. “I can’t tell her the truth, she would hate me. Then she would tell Gemma, and Gemma would hate me and I can’t have them hate me Lou, I just can’t! I need my family and I – I” Harry tried to continue but he was getting too worked up. The tears weren’t falling anymore but he was rocking himself back and forth in my arms. I pulled him further over on the bed we had managed to find our way to and sat with my legs crossed and pulled Harry half way into my lap.

“Haz, look at me, yeah?” he sniffled but still peered up at me through saddened eyes. I gently cupped his cheek and rubbed his temple knowing that that’s something that has always relaxed him.

He sighed and melted into my touch.  “I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to keep telling you this and reassuring you, but you are loved and deserved to be loved. Being who you are will not make your family hate you and I really think you need their support on this. I know you say you’re fine, but I see it Harry. I see through the forced smiles. I know when you are genuinely happy and you just aren’t right now. I know you’re getting there but you value acceptance, and I know for a fact that your family would give it to you.” I grabbed the other side of his face with my free hand and shook his head slightly while staring into his eyes with every bit of emotion I was feeling in the moment.

“God Harry, if I knew how to make everything better I would. If I, single-handedly could make all of your heartbreak and low self-esteem go away I would jump off mountains to do it. But it’s not just me you seek acceptance from, and no matter how much I love you for you, you will always need more, and that’s okay. I will help you get to a point where you don’t need people to tell you that you are loved and accepted because you’ll just believe it. Until then though, I will be here every step of the way but I truly think you need your families support.”

I exhaled a breath after my long spiel and dropped my hands from Harry’s face into my lap. I wish I could give him more, but I don’t know what else to do.

I blinked away a few of my own tears, I always get so emotional when I try to help Harry. All I want is the best for him and it breaks me to see him breaking. I know I’m supposed to be the one helping him here but I feel so alone, I feel so empty no knowing what to do or if I’m even helping him.

Larger hands cupped themselves over mine and untangled my smaller fingers. I looked up to see that Harry was gazing down into my lap where my hands still were, but now with his. He played around with my fingers for a bit, drawing up and down my knuckles with his soft lengthy digits. A chill ran down my spine at how gentle he was being. The whole situation was so vulnerable and my heart race was slowly starting to speed up. He toyed with my fingers for a bit longer before fully entwining our hands, pale skin melting into tanned skin, and long fingers cradling smaller ones. I smiled a little to myself, loving how close we could be. Just then Harry’s head slowly tilted up until his gaze was even with mine.

“I love you, you know? You’re always here for me and I can’t thank you enough. You’re my rock and I don’t know where I would be without you. Probably still smashed and laying in a pool of stale alcohol and vomit half naked –“ he chuckled to himself a bit and looked back down at where our fingers we tangled up. He flipped his arms over seeming to examine our hands from another angle and took a deep breath before looking back up at me.

“So, would you please, ehm, talk to my mum w-with me me?”

It took everything in me not to throw myself at the curly-haired boy. I was so proud of him. A smiled broke out on my face and I nodded my head in an almost frantic manner.

“Of course Hazza-bear. You know I’ll always be there for you.” His lips quirked into a genuine smile putting his dimples on full display.

“You and me, right Lou?” I squeezed his hand, my heart growing at those few words. The same words I always use to calm him down.

“Always, Haz. Me and you.” He squeezed my hand back and just nodded his head shortly looking completely happy and content in the moment.

“Always.” He whispered.

Our grip on each other’s hands let up a little bit but we didn’t let go. I was lost in his eyes. The way they were shining so bright, he actually looked happy for once. I continued to stare into his eyes breathing lightly, while memorizing every contour of his face. Without thinking I reached my hand up and pushed a way a few curls that had fallen into his face, obstructing my view. He sighed contentedly and naturally we both leaned forward slowly.

I continued to stroke his hairline lightly as we moved in, my heart rate picking up at our proximity. I watched as his face got so close to mine that we were both cross eyed. Just as his eyes were about to flutter shut and I could feel his breath on my top lip I pulled back and shifted off of the bed without looking at Harry.

“We really ought to go or else it’s going to be dark, and you know I don’t like driving in the dark.”

I didn’t hear a response so I turned around to see Harry still sitting on his bed. He was sat like a statue; his hands were still folded a little as if my hands hadn’t even been removed from the spaces between his fingers. He stared at down for a while until I cleared my throat.

“You- uh, ready to go?” he dropped his hands back into his lap before ruffling his hair and sweeping it to the side.

He too cleared his throat and then shifted off of the bed turning to walk to me. Just as he began getting into my personal space he smacked me on the shoulder and yelled, “Last one to the car is a rotten egg!” before high-tailing it out of his bedroom, and just like that everything that had just happened was forgotten. Or maybe just put on a shelf for safe-keeping.

~*~

The race to the car had ended with me tackling Harry at the bottom of the staircase and stepping on his body as I pushed through to get to the car, inevitably making me the champion of the race.

When we got to the rover I turned up the music as loud as I possibly could and Harry joined me in a horrible rendition of John Mayer’s free falling. After about an hour of purposely messing up every song Harry’s eyes were getting droopy so I told him to go to sleep since he hadn’t been sleeping much this past week or so.

Now with the music playing quietly in the background and the sound of soft snoring coming from Harry my mind was left to wander to some dangerous places.

I had a million things to think about, we had more promo to do when we got back, concerts start up soon after. We have a couple of weeks off for Christmas and then back to touring. Life has been really stressful lately, especially with Harry being out of it for a while there. The boys and I had all tried to compensate for Harry missing so much but there is no denying that he is a massive asset to the band and it would never be the same without him.

Something that was really stuck on my mind though was how clingy Harry has been lately. I mean, he’s always been a bit possessive over me, that’s how best mates are. We don’t want to share. However, Harry has been even more possessive lately than normal. He constantly wants cuddles (not that I’d ever say no to that) he always wants to hang out, and even when we are in public he makes sure to be near me at all times. Ever since whatever went down that night at Zayn’s he hasn’t been able to be alone for more than an hour and that definitely has me thinking.

Leaving that aside to think about later my mind started to drift to what had happened earlier when I found Harry in his bedroom. Of course I’ll always be there for him and no matter what it will always be us two against the world, but something felt different. Something still does feel different.

I know I had been about to kiss him, how could I not think about that? I love him, I love him so god damn much that it actually hurts me when he hurts and I just wanted to make everything better, so when he stared at me like I was everything I just – I almost caved in. Until I remembered, Harry hasn’t properly been kissed yet and I’m not sure I can take that from him. Especially with how unsure of everything he is right now.

Sometimes I wish I could just keep him next to me all the time and protect him from the real world. Everyone in our band gets hate, it’s sort of expected when you’re famous. Hate is a part of the fame, however Harry has never coped with it well. He wears his heart on his sleeve and at the same time keeps all of his emotions bottled up. He’s complicated and half the time even I’m not sure why he’s feeling the way he is.

That’s the thing about Harry and I, we don’t even have to be in the same room for me to tell his mood. We more or less feed off of each other’s energy but the problem with Harry and myself is that sure, I always know Harry’s mood, but I never know why he gets so stuck in his ruts.

It’s easy for him to show you how he’s feeling but he can’t express himself and tell you why he is the way he is, he doesn’t seem to know how and it’s ruining him.

On top of everything he thrives off of compliments and lives to please people, which when you frequently get put down you tend to not be able to get up.

I’ll be there to pick him up though, and I’ll figure this whole thing out with him one way or another. He’s a beautiful human being inside and out and he deserves the best, he just doesn’t see that. As long as everyone around him is happy that’s all that matters to him. Well, in my opinion it’s time he learned that sometimes your own happiness has to come before others.

Maybe I can’t be what he deserves, I’m nowhere near perfect, but I can try.

“Haz”, I nudged Harry in hopes of waking him up. We had already been sitting outside of his house in Holmes Chapel for ten minutes but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to wake him up. Harry hadn’t been sleeping well lately and just seeing him look so peaceful right now was enough to make me want to carry him up to his room without jostling him and laying him down so he could sleep off all of his problems.

Anne had other plans though apparently, because just as I was about to put my arms under Harry to lift him something solid collided with the side of my body.

“Louis!” a comforting and all too familiar voice yelled in my ear. Warm arms embraced me and I turned around with the biggest smile on my face, this feels like home.

“Anne, how are you?” I smiled and wrapped my arms back around Harry’s mum. We had always had a special relationship.

“Louis, you know you don’t have to call me Anne.” I giggled a bit at that and pulled back remembering a few years ago when I had been staying over here and had accidentally called Anne my mum. We laughed and I would joke around and call her mum just to make fun of the past, but now it has become almost instinct to call Anne my mother. Just like Harry does the same with mine.

Our mum’s think it’s great that we’re that close, hell they’re so close that they tell people they’re sisters. We all got along so well from the start that our two families really have become one.

I smiled and pulled Anne back into a hug once again before letting go.

“Yes Mum, so how are you?” I walked back around the car and started carrying Harry and I’s luggage into the familiar home. I was hit with a cinnamon smelling aroma when I passed through the front door and smiled to myself loving how cozy Harry’s house was and how even though we live in our flat back in London he always manages to still smell like this, even if it’s not quite as strong.

“Oh same old same old, life has been crazy but nothing I can’t handle. The ball is coming up tomorrow, you and Harry will be attending, right?” Anne asked as she brushed passed me and walked into the kitchen where the kettle was on and freshly baked muffins were placed on the dining table. I walked over and picked up a muffin, not even thinking about asking. It was comfortable here, I could just be. I liked that. Peeling off the wrapper from the muffin I walked over towards the counter and leaned on it before looking over to where Anne was pouring two cuppas.

“You bet we’ll be there, wouldn’t miss it.” I took a bite of the apple caramel muffin and almost died on the spot. Harry’s a good cook but I do not doubt that he learned from the best. As much as I loved my own mother I loved Anne’s cooking and baking much more.

“Wow, these are amazing. Would it be bad to say that one of my favourite parts about visiting you guys is your cooking?” I shoved another piece of the muffin into my mouth while Anne laughed and handed me a napkin.

“Thanks, but no really. Harry is so proud of you for organizing this fundraiser. I don’t think I could get out of it even if I wanted to.”

“Well that’s good. I’m really excited for it; your Mum is coming down tomorrow to help with the finishing décor. It should go off without a hitch if I have her helping me out.”

“This may sound odd, but I love how close you are with my mum. I don’t know, it just makes me feel good knowing that she has you now that I’m not around, and I guess I’ve never thanked you for that. So thank you.” Anne smiled and walked over to me; she placed a kiss on my cheek and then left her hand on the other side of my face.

“I got a best friend out of this whole ordeal, and so did my son. I would do anything for your mother and vice versa. I know it’s like that for you and Harry, maybe even more so?” she gave me a knowing look and I sighed, of course she would see through me.

“So, speaking of Harry, I should go get him.” I turned away from her quickly not necessarily wanting to have this conversation right now. However, standing in the doorway was a cold looking Harry. His nose and cheeks were tinted pink and his fists were balled up inside of his jacket, clearly trying to get warm.

“No need, you guys left the car door open and I almost froze to death. Thanks for that by the way.” Harry sniffled a bit and I had to turn away to stop from laughing at how childish he looked.

“Oh baby, I’m sorry. Lou and I were just having a chat. Which we will finish later,” she turned back and gave me a small glance. But I knew exactly what she was trying to say. I wouldn’t be getting off the hook after trying to avoid her. “Why don’t you go put your bags in your room and I will bring you up some tea, yeah?”

“Hmph, now you care. But yes, I would love some tea  _mummy.”_ Harry jokingly glared at me and then went and hugged Anne, and while still glaring at me nearly growled. “ _My_  mummy.”

I laughed at his once again, childish behavior and then grabbed him by the sleeve of his jacket.

“Hmm maybe, but let’s get our stuff and head upstairs before your heart breaks when you find out  _mummy_ love me more.” I winked back at Anne and then dragged Harry up to his room.

~*~

I plopped our heavy luggage on the ground in Harry’s old bedroom and then ran and jumped onto his soft duvet and mountain of pillows with an  _“Oomf”_  I  felt the bed dip beside me and looked over to Harry smirking with his hands crossed.

“And what makes you think that you’ll be sleeping in my room tonight let alone staying in  _my_  bed?”

“Gasp, now I’m hurt,” I rolled over and placed my hand over my heart to fake shock and hurt before making my way over to the door.

“Fine Styles, I’ll just sleep in the guest room if that’s how you want it.” I gave Harry one last pout and then started to walk out the door.

Just as I was crossing the threshold I was quite literally swept off my feet and thrown back onto the soft bed, but this time a body was on top of mine.

“Nope!” Harry grinned down cheekily at me, “I quite like sleeping with you. You’re warm and this room gets cold at night.”

I gave Harry my best puppy dog pout and sniffled, “is that all I’m good for? Just a human heater? I don’t know how I feel about being used.” I sniffled more for emphasis and Harry laughed deeply.

“Such a fool Lou-Bear, of course you are good for much more than that. You make for a great luggage carrier as well.” He laughed and pinched me in the side causing me to squeal, and if anyone asked it was definitely a manly squeal of sorts.

“He boys I brough- oh” Anne stood in the doorway looking quite amused as she witnessed Harry still laying flush against me and my squealing beneath him. I pushed Harry off semi roughly and then sat up with a grunt.

“Mum, tell Harry that I am not to be used, and I have more purpose in life than to just be his human heater and luggage carrier.” I sat with both my arms and legs cross in the middle of Harry’s bed while he scooted so that his back was against the headboard.

“Oh yes Lou,” Anne said as she placed the two cuppas on the night table.

“You are far more than that, you are also quite pretty.” She threw me a wink and then walked back out of the room. Harry laughed loudly behind me and I turned around glaring at him. He threw his hand over his mouth to stop the laughter but continued to snicker slightly when he said, “Oh, don’t frown Lou. You don’t look as  _pretty_  when you frown.”

“I will have you know that I am more than pretty, I am one sexy beast. Don’t even deny it.”

“Alright Lou, whatever helps you sleep at night.” Harry laughed more and I jumped and tackled him all in one swift movement.

“It’s on Styles. Hurt my ego, I hurt you.” And just like that the wrestling match had begun.

~*~

Two hours, a mean wrestling match, and dinner later Harry and I lay in his bed on our backs both staring up at the glow in the dark stars on his ceiling that had been put there years ago when we had seen them in a local home shopping store.

We had bought them because they reminded us of our childhoods and also because I don’t think we’ve ever really grown up.

Now looking at the fading stars I couldn’t help my mind from running wild and words from spilling out of my mouth.

“Why haven’t you had your first kiss Haz?”

I felt Harry tense beside me and his hand had stilled in my hair from where his arm was behind my head.

“I already told you Lou, everything I did was to make myself not like sex. Kissing would have made it intimate, would have made me like it. I couldn’t have that.”

I turned a bit so that my cheek was resting on his arm which he curled around me instinctively and fiddled with my t-shirt sleeve.

“I get that, I don’t like it, but I get it. What I meant is, you’re eighteen now and this all happened only a few months ago so what’s stopped you before?” I splayed my fingers out across his hip and prodded my fingers into the skin there taping out a rhythm while I awaited his response. He looked up at the stars for a bit longer before turning his face and resting his cheek on his shoulder so that we were now both using his arm as a pillow.

“Would it be corny to say that I just haven’t found the right person yet? Yeah, forget that. It does sound corny. I just, I don’t know. I always got along with people in high school so well. I went to parties and I played along with the whole thing. I let girls sit on my lap and giggle in my ears and just as they were about to kiss me I always chickened out. It’s like I didn’t want it to happen right then for some reason.”

I absorbed everything Harry was saying. Listening intently, his words were spoken with such caution but I loved the way he sounded, and I loved the way he was telling me these things and letting me in.

“I uh, I guess I understand. Do you ever feel like you’ve been in the moment but missed your chance?” I asked, today’s near kiss (at least I’m sure that’s what it was) running through the back of my mind. “Er, yeah. Yeah I have felt that way. Sort of a cliché isn’t it? Getting so close to the person you have fallen for and when you think what you’ve wanted to happen all along is going to happen the perfect moment gets ruined somehow.” His voice leaked bitterness, and my heart jumped in my chest. Who had he fallen in love with?

“What happened Haz?” I drew circles into his hip in hopes of being comforting. It took everything I had in me not to jump him and claim him as mine right here and now. “Let’s not talk about it. It’s not like they’d ever love me back. At least not that way.” He said it with such sadness, and even if I should have been sad too I was almost happy. It couldn’t be me he had fallen for but at least I still had a chance if they hadn’t fallen for him.

“I’ll find you someone, Harry. You deserve your special first kiss, and more.”

He sighed and then pulled the covers over both of us. I felt hot lips press against my forehead and my eyes fluttered shut so that I could focus solely on the feeling of how hot his lips were against my skin. “Like I said Lou, the only person I’ve wanted something special with has never loved me and never will love me. It’s okay. Let’s go to sleep now.”

I pulled Harry closer to me and snuggled into his chest. “And like I said, I’ll find you that someone special, because you deserve that in your life. Now sweet dreams hazza-bear.” I kissed the top of his head and then cuddled back under the duvet falling asleep to the rhythm of Harry’s deep breathing and the lingering touches being drawn on my shoulder.

~*~

**Harry’s POV**

The hall was decorated in elegant off whites. Sheer cloth hanging from the ceiling with twinkling lights entwined so that a magical sort of aura was being illuminated.

I looked around and smiled to myself, proud of my mother for pulling this together and remembering how funny it had been to see her and Jay running in circles this morning trying to make things perfect. If those two put their minds together nothing could stop them, but great things came from it which is why I was standing in a busy ballroom with people dressed in their most elegant attire.

Jay and my mother had shoved basic black tuxedos at Louis and I this afternoon stating that we had to wear them because the silk accents of our outfits matched their silk gowns and it would be proper to coordinate since technically we were the hosting “family”.

My mother and Jay’s antics always gave me a good laugh, Jay will come down whenever she could get a break from the girls, or sometimes they would even tag along. Louis’ family and mine really have become one mass unit, even without us around all the time. But when we are around Louis and I are forced into family dinners and events as if we have the same parents, because ever since Jay and my mother met they do just about everything together claiming that “it’s just a girl thing, now let us have our fun” and without hesitation Louis and I always try to lend them money to have some fun with and they always turn us down saying that because we earned it we get to keep it, and we never fail to sneak it into their purses and run away like the children we can be.

So I didn’t complain when I was shoved the tuxedos to wear this afternoon, and I won’t complain as I stand here swaying to some boring music with a glass of champagne in my right hand and the other one in my pocket, because this family is worth it.

I put down the champagne and started to work my way through the crowd of ball gowns, tuxedos, and high heels to find Louis.

Louis has been nothing but wonderful to me this past little while. Well, that’s a lie. He’s been nothing but wonderful to me since the moment we met. I guess that’s another one of the reasons I fell for him.

I had been toeing around him a little bit today though, trying to avoid being asked more about why I haven’t kissed anyone properly yet, or who I had fallen for that didn’t catch me. How do I tell my  _best mate_  that it’s him? I don’t.

Things are good right now, we cuddle, we kiss each other’s faces and hair, and we watch movies. We are practically dating minus the label and the added benefits. Which is fine because I’m not sure if I’m truly ready to explore that part of my sexuality intimately yet, but what’s not fine is that I get butterflies in my stomach, what’s not fine is that my heart beats out of my chest whenever he is gentle with me, what’s not fine is that he doesn’t even know and if he did he would run the other way.

The other day in my bedroom had been more than proof enough. Just as I thought he was going to let me kiss him he ran away and that hurt. It hurt badly but it would have hurt even more if we wouldn’t have recovered.

Of course that’s the moment that I missed, the moment that had been perfect, and I had felt like maybe, just maybe Lou felt the same and he would be that special someone for me, because he is special and I want to be able to tell everyone that he’s mine.

My heart started to pound through my chest when I felt a pair of arms wrap around me from behind and a familiar scent found its way to my nose.

“Uh, hey Lou. What’s up?” I turned around in his arms and he looked up at me with big blue eyes.

“Well,” he smiled devilishly. “I was bored and in search of someone to dance with but no one caught my eye. So would you fancy a dance darlin’?” he said dramatically offering his hand to me. I laughed at how he acted and shrugged, because why would I turn down a dance with Louis Tomlinson?

“Well, that sounds very lovely kind sir. Shall we go now?” I placed my hand daintily into his, mocking a girl from the 1940’s and allowed myself to be led onto the ballroom’s dance floor.

Louis danced like a maniac around me trying to keep up with the beat that was playing in the background when the opening piano chords of a [familiar song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcSl-JWDYPw) started to play fill my ears.

Louis looked at me and smirked before grabbing onto my hands and dramatically started to slow dance with me. He tried to twirl me under his arm but failed since I’m quite a bit taller than him, so he soon gave up and settled for trying to serenade me.

_Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise. I just know we can’t be over, I can see it in your eyes._

He held out his hand to cup my cheek and continued to sing to me jokingly, not even realizing what effect his voice had on me.

I was losing myself in his eyes when the lyrics caught me again.

_As long as I can feel you holding on I won’t fall, even if you said I was wrong._

Memories came flooding back to me, all the times Louis has picked me up when I’m down, all of the times that he has stayed even when he should have given up.

All of a sudden I wasn’t willing to let another chance pass me by, so just as Louis was about to try and twirl me again I grabbed his hand that was flailing around in the air and pulled him close to me with it. I placed his hand on my heart and looked down at his now startled eyes.

“Haz, what are you-“

“ _I’m not alive if I’m lonely, so please don’t leave was it something I said, or just my personality?”_ I sang while looking Louis dead in the eyes.

We had both stopped moving and just stood there looking at each other. His hand that was on my cheek slowly slid down and rested on my shoulder while I kept his other one flat to my chest.

“Will you just hear me out, Lou?” he didn’t seem to know what I meant so as the instrumental part of the song came to a close I twirled him once slowly under my arm and brought him back softly into my chest.

I took a deep breath and then brought my hand up to his cheek to cup it, “ _Making every kind of silence, it takes a lot to realize It’s worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lie, and as long as I can feel you holding on_ _I won’t fall, even if you said I was wrong”_

“Haz what are you doing?” I looked down between us at where our chests were, flush together. His hand still caught between us as it rested over my heart. He could surely feel the sporadic beating under his fingertips but I’m done letting these moments get away from me.

“Louis, you’ve always been here for me. You’ve never given up on me, not matter how many times I fuck up, and Jesus Lou, you’re just so selfless, and you’re so funny, and you always know how to make me better. Just being in the same room as you makes me feel better. You make me feel safe, and I never thought that falling in love could feel safe, but with you it does.”

Louis stopped and pulled his hand out from between us like it was on fire.

“Louis wha-“ I stopped mid sentence when I realized what I had just said. I could feel my heart stop and the blood rush to my face. I have never been so embarrassed in my life, I’ve just ruined everything. More than I could have ever imagined.

“Did you just say you’re i-in love with me? Me Louis Tomlinson your best mate?” Louis stepped a bit further back and almost got trampled by one of the waitresses that had been wandering around.

I guess I couldn’t go back on my word now though. He had clearly heard what I said, denying it would probably only do more damage if possible.

“I-yeah.” I whispered, hanging my head in shame just wanting to disappear and go cry alone, somewhere where I could forget that I had just ruined the best relationship present in my life.

I needed to breathe, I need to escape. There was no fixing this now, Louis could never un-hear those words.

As the tears started to spill over the edges of my eyes two hands caught the sides of my face.

“ _I’m not perfect but I keep trying.”_ Louis’ fragile voice rang through my ears and I looked up to see that his eyes were filled with just as many tears as mine. He brushed his thumb across my cheek to wipe a tear away.

“Why didn’t you tell me before Haz?” he asked, clearly trying to hold strong for the both of us.

“I was afraid that you would push me away – and wait. Don’t you hate me? Aren’t you disgusted with me?”

Louis chuckled and shook his head while biting back a grin, “No.” he said, his eyes still glistening.

“Well, why not? I mean I just confessed my non-platonic love for you.”

He laughed again and then pulled me in for a tight hug whispering in my ear, “Would it be corny to say that I’ve really been hoping that I could be the right person?”

I stood for a moment, the words sounded so familiar, and then it hit me. When we had had that conversation last night about me not finding the right person for me, or for anything yet; which was a complete lie since Louis had always been that person for me, he was just always so far out of reach. And now-

“Does that mean?” Louis pulled back from my shoulder and looked me in the eyes.

“I know that I’m not that special, but can I kiss you?”

My breath hitched and I swear the world stopped spinning.

“You’ve always been more than special enough for me Lou.”

And with that I close the gap between us. I bent my neck down to meet Louis’ lips with mine and I could feel him reaching up on his toes to get closer to me.

I stilled as soon as I felt his warm lips pressed against mine not knowing what to do next.

I felt a hand creep up my back and tangle into the curls at the nape of my neck. Louis twisted them in his fingers a bit before pulling me down and pressing his lips harder against mine.

He tilted his head to the right a bit, encouraging me to do the same and then sucked my bottom lip in-between both of his. His lips were warm and sweet against mine as he dragged my lip with him when he pulled back.

My eyes opened slowly, I hadn’t even realized that I shut them in the first place.

“Wow” I breathed out in a daze. Louis giggled sheepishly and looked at me with bright eyes before reaching up on his tippy toes and pecking me one more time quickly and chastely on the lips.

“I’m in love with you Harry Styles.” He said seriously as her grabbed both of my hands between his and played with my fingers.

“And I’m in love with you too Louis Tomlinson.”

I felt Louis’ breathe along my neck and I shivered, savouring the moment.

“Oh, and Harry?”

“Yeah, Lou?” I nuzzled into the hair by his ear.

“We’ll work on the whole kissing thing.”

“Hey!” I shoved Louis a little bit. “That was my first time, I’m sorry if it didn’t meet your standards.” I faked hurt. Louis laughed and pulled me against him even more.

“For our first kiss, wow. I-wow, I can’t believe I get to say that now, sorry. Anyways, for our first kiss it was perfect.”

I wrapped my arms back around him and swayed to our own rhythm, the rest of the world not mattering in this moment.

“Would it be corny to say it was perfect just like you?” I sighed into his hair.

“Yeah, it would. But now you can’t say anything when I say that the best part of me is you.”

I chuckled at how cliché all of this was but held Louis tighter anyways. Sure we hadn’t labeled anything, but that was fine because he’s Louis and I’m Harry, and we’re in love and that’s all that matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so let me know what you think of this fic. It is the first one I've ever written which is why I'm a bit uncertain on if I should continue it or not. Kudos or comments for feedback please. You can also shoot me an ask on my tumblr (desiredfiction.tumblr.com)


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